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Speak up, Spend Wisely

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There are so many issues in this country that I care about finding solutions to, so many that I often don’t know where to start, and that has caused a bit of paralysis. 

Sometimes I feel like I can’t speak openly to anyone I love, because I am so angry at them for not doing more. I sometimes feel so disappointed in my fellow country folks and friends for their lack of engagement. But being bummed about that can’t prevent me from speaking to the people who need my encouragement. Being bummed doesn’t exempt me from my responsibilities to speak up in the name of unity in this country once and for all. 

Some of that paralysis comes from the feeling of being inadequate or unprepared to talk about the issues with those I care about. I have heard other white people talk about this on social media, that they don’t speak out about injustice because they don’t feel like they know enough about it and don’t want to sound dumb. I am guilty of having those same feelings, but can we take a minute to look at how much privilege that feeling, alone, holds? When we can put our ego in front of others’ safety, we know we have some privilege imbalance in this country (whether or not you understand yet what lead to such imbalance or are already committed to ways to restore ilike investing in businesses owned by black and indigenous people of color) Despite it feeling exhausting and uncomfortable, it is our responsibility to address it. 

I know that all the division and taboos makes it really hard to speak up. Not just online, but at the Thanksgiving dinner table, too, but we can’t just sit back and not talk about things because we are not the expert. I am confident that not talking about things is a big part of what got us into the mess we are in. 

Thanks to #45 we can’t even talk about what is great about America, and his mantra and ensuing MAGA mob has made “America” feel like a dirty word…just as much as religious extremism has made “God” feel like a bad word. 

Well, I am done living in the closet afraid to speak my truth: I believe in God, and I believe in The United States of America. I believe American really can be great…but there’s no “again” about it. Can we please all just take some responsibility for the truth and talk openly to the ones we love about what it’s really going to take to make America great, already? To make America equal already? 

Staying quiet isn’t the answer. We are responsible for staying awake and engaged and taking back our country into our own hands.

This country has undoubtedly made a lot of big steps, and many of those have been on the backs of people of color. On the backs and the graves of the indigenous nations, and on the backs and graves of African Americans. 

For 400 years has the Black Lives Matter fight been building. Over 400 years of genocide of the Native American people and cultures, but they are still here an we must honor them. 

Despite the atrocious history and the ongoing plight against black and indigenous people of color (BIPOC) I firmly believe that we can save our country, and that it is going to take hard work, but I’ve seen American women, and I know what we are capable of!

I also know how good we are at spending money for the holidays, and this whole post is to say: We have to think about what each dollar says about the world we want to live in. The country wants you to think that Americans only vote once they turn 18, but every single American votes with every dollar they spend. Each dollar is a vote cast, and our money is where so much of our power lies. 

We have a real opportunity in these coming weeks to invest in local businesses, renewable products (Imagine the message it would send if we bought no new plastic this season), and second hand stores. 

Consider making donations to Native American activists like Allen Salway (@lilnativeboy) and organizations like the Urban Indian Health Institute (https://www.uihi.org/), Illuminative (https://secure.donationpay.org/illuminative/) and the Native American Tea Company (https://www.nativeamericantea.com/)

If we shopped only at minority owned businesses and bought art from black and indigenous artists like Jamie Okuma (https://www.jokuma.com/) and Lauren Good Day (https://laurengoodday.com/)

If we only bought products that were made in the United States of America we would send a strong message with a material that means more than our voices. We the people have great power, and it is our responsibility to use it. It is our duty. Shop responsibly this holiday season! 

Indigenous People’s March, Denver, CO 2019

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The large falling snowflakes had me seriously considering staying inside; Even after I started walking, I turned around once to return back to my sister’s apartment, telling myself, It’s too wet and slick, I didn’t wear the right shoes, No one’s going to be there. Then I thought, The ancestors of this land walked in this snow, lived in this. Out in the elements made them more in tune. Marchers recalled the Trail of Tears to steel themselves again the heavy snow and icy wind.

Turning around felt like turning my back on the ancestors who marched across this land, true soldiers for Mother Nature, Earth Protectors, Water Protectors. Keepers of the Earth. It felt like turning my back on everyone who fought before me, fought to preserve this land and protect the water. Everyone who has to keep fighting every day for their very existence.

And like every one who carries on the in face of adversity, be it weather or ridicule or violence, I was grateful I endured.


Speakers from each generation and gender, including a two-spirit, and from all different life experiences, spoke about the adversities the Native Peoples have faced historically and present day. From the abusive boarding schools and national mantras provoking “Kill the Indian, save the man,” to the diseases and genocides brought upon them, and to the women who have gone missing and the statistics of abduction and assault that are higher than any other demographic in the US,  they have endured and endured and endured.

And yet. Each of their messages amplified gratitude and hope. Rather than mourn the smaller crowd or the cold weather, they celebrated the gift of the snow. Mni wiconi. Water is life.


They talked about the importance of being here to fight for everyone: For the elders, for the children, to empower the youth to take action so the elders can rest before their finals days. They reiterated that their fight is for all people: all indigenous people all around the world, those still in their homelands, like their brothers and sisters in South America, in Africa and Asia, and also for those who have fled to new lands, like the Europeans who colonized their land (my words, not theirs).

Those spoke on behalf of the women who were not there to speak for themselves, those who lost their lives and those who lost their spirit through abuse, abductions, and human trafficking. They spoke of the shockingly low number of cases of assault which are reported by the department of Justice, opposed to the true number.

They spoke of how proud they were of all of the young ones who are rising up to use their voices and are making sure to be seen. They encouraged one another to continue to work with the White People who are their allies, and they shared ways they continue to hold onto their culture, despite how many of the tribes have lost so much, including their language. Colorado was home to many indigenous tribes: Utes, Apache, Arapaho, Pueblo, Shoshone, Comanche, Kiowa, Cheyenne, Pawnee, and Zuni. Over the generations, people from many more tribes have moved to Denver and other Colorado cities. They spoke of their struggles, and the tone was reverent yet hopeful.


One young lady shared stories of her mother’s experiences in boarding school, of looking back at the yearbooks and noticing how many children who attended, never returned home….beaten or neglected to death. She spoke of the countless attempts throughout history White Man has made to erase them;  Their resilience this day was so obvious as they stood before the capital blanketed in snow. They would not be erased. They will not be. They are still here. Their very existence a show of resistance. She acknowledged how speaking up about their past has elicited their haters to call them Snowflakes, and her response was this: “They can go ahead and call us Snowflakes, because snowflakes are beautiful and each one is unique, and when enough snowflakes get together, they change entire landscapes.”

Everything about this event showed time and time again that the wisdom, brilliance, and gentleness of Native Americans must be honored, preserved, and amplified.  If we as humans are going to ever truly find a healthy relationship with the planet earth, we must honor the wisdom of these caretakers. They hold deep knowledge of the planet and I am afraid we aren’t going to be able to save our planet unless we listen to the Native Americans and their traditions and their ways of honoring Mother Earth without depleting her resources.

This event also got me thinking that here in the U.S. we have such an awesome and amazing advantage of having people from all over the world here, and people all over the world who continue to want to be here. We have been so immature and insane not to take full advantage of our unique circumstances of diversity in the US !!!!!!! Like the Sikh Americans who are preparing and serving meals to the furloughed government employees who are not being paid. Or the Chinese woman from the motel I stayed at last weekend: There is so much beauty and hospitality and generosity and grace in each culture, and we are depriving ourselves and our children of so much when we close doors or build walls to those opportunities to grow in empathy and grace and gratitude and humility.

Let us breathe together and be grateful for all that we have, and open our arms, not push people away or build walls around the bounty we have.

We are smart enough to solve the problem of illegal immigration while still holding doors and arms open to those who come here to seek a better life for themselves, and ESPECIALLY for those who come to escape fear, persecution, danger, war, etc. etc. We are better than walls. We are bigger than walls. We are a country of well educated and innovative leaders, both in and out of politics (especially thanks to the recent elections which have resulted in more women and more diversity in general in the house and senate than ever before).  We have so many amazing and talented people completely capable of making savvy and effective choices if given the opportunity. Mr. President: I am talking to you. Get more people involved in finding solutions that everyone can agree on.

For me, it comes down to taking care….of our self. Each other. The elders. The children. Mother Earth. Our rights. The rights of others. I will never stop writing and never stop fighting until everyone has the same rights and freedoms as I do. I will never stop. And neither will the resilient, brilliant warriors and sisters, Native men and women and two-spirits who are still here fighting every day, come rain or come snow, for a better future.  

#mmiw #mmiwg #nomorestolensisters #whyImarch #ipmdenver19 #standwithus
@indigenouspeoplesmovement

Beating a Dead Elephant in the Room, or Closing thoughts on 2018

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Forgive me for my title. On one hand I feel as if there is nothing more that could be said about any of these things that’s going to matter, and on one hand I feel the weight of lingering solutions to the problems we all (still) aren’t talking enough about.before this moon cycle ends, with the New Moon January 6th,  I would like to send 2018 a final farewell with a list of 18 things I would like to banish from the world.

I invite you to add a comment with your own contributions of things you’d like to banish!

  1. Waiting passively.
    We all keep watching Washington like it’s the only thing that can fix all of the problems. And it’s not. The government CANNOT fix all our problems. If we are lucky, they will do a couple of good things that make a lasting positive difference for anyone who isn’t already rich and white. I certainly am happy and hopeful about the diverse group of women and men who took their seats in the House on Friday, but we can’t all just sit back now and wait for things in our country to improve.

    If we keep waiting for the legislators to come in and fix everything (including some things on this very list), we will die waiting.
    As we keep ourselves uninformed and ignorant and easily manipulated by only listening to Them, They will continue to step on us….
  2. Self-Doubt, Self-Deprecation, Self-Loathing. Especially done by women.

    Please stop saying those bad things about yourself! Please listen to the things you say about yourself, and do everything you can to stop saying them. You are not stupid. You are not ugly. You are beautiful. You are learning the lessons you need to be learning. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You cannot achieve perfection and no one is expecting you to. Please, just stop talking bad about yourself. In public, online, especially in front of children…even in private, just stop. You deserve better than that. (Try talking to yourself the way you talk to your best friend!)

  3. Saying “I’m sorry” and all the other ways We make our Self feel small or unworthy.Just pay attention in a day to how many times you hear women (and children) say “I’m sorry” when they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.I’m sorry, but can I get some help?
    I’m sorry, can you please speak up?
    I’m sorry, I have other plans.
    I’m sorry, I’m just not interested in explaining to you why I’m too busy and/or not interested in going out with you.

    Can we all please stop apologizing for our very existence? Why are we apologizing for our needs?If you are just trying to get someone’s attention, let’s bring back saying things like, “hello” and/or “excuse me.”

    I read something about this a couple years ago which said to replace the I’m sorry with a thank you; Instead of “I’m sorry I’m late”, say, “Thank you for waiting for me.” It’s a pretty subtle thing, but it might just be what it takes to make you not feel like a burden on others.

    There are times when apologies are absolutely necessary, but being human/being imperfect/having opinions/having a bladder…. Are not any of them.

  4. Food deserts.
  5. Men who fear the #MeToo movement.
  6. Racism.
    I don’t know how to say this in a way that people will listen, but here’s one more attempt: We, as a species, look for similarities in EVERYTHING. We give human traits to dogs and elephants and flowers and…even electrical outlets smile back at us. Yet, white people as a race fail to see the similarities between themselves and People of Color.Just think about that. We find similarities in EVERYTHING….why would we naturally choose to “other” other people? Other human beings who DO have everything in common with us? Here’s a hint: it was manufactured because the people in power were afraid of an uprising, so they made enemies of white and black people. Systems have been put in place every since, and around the world, to maintain power.
  7. Over consumption of meat.
    If you didn’t personally hunt it or raise it or know the person who did, I don’t think you should be eating it. I say this as someone whose father raises delicious Colorado beef (email me if you’d be interesting in buying some!) so I understand I am in a complete position of privilege and bias when I say this, but truly, that factor is the main reason that I even still eat meat. I know the animals my father raises are well treated, well fed, and well respected in their life and death, and any time that I or anyone else eats meat, I want it to be under those circumstances.
  8. White-Supremacy
    And all of the ways White People hide behind their whiteness and white saviorism and …….White Women who call themselves allies but do not raise up the voices of women of color, indigenous women, Muslim women. Women who call themselves feminists but who aren’t working on dismantling their own overt and innate racism and biases……People who hide Confederate flags in their closets, or wear them proudly on their cars…..People who make excuses for Brett Kavanaugh and are pissed at Kaepernick……
  9. Shaming others.

  10. White people blaming their problems on immigrants.

  11. Complaining about whatever in your life isn’t making you happy instead of doing something about it.
    We all have choices to make each and every day. Staying at the job you hate, staying in the town you despise, spending time with people who don’t bring you joy, etc. etc., each of those are a choice every single day. You have agency. You have authorship. You are in control (unless you are under 18 and living at home–in that case, wait it out, and be sure to breathe, and exercise, and eat right, and floss your teeth while you are waiting–your life is going to become completely yours soon, if you choose to make it so. It will be worth it!)  Enough with resolutions and getting down on ourselves and giving up and thinking this is just the way it is. Every day you make so many choices to do this…or that. Making one choice on Jan 6th doesn’t mean that you have to make that choice for another 359 days before you can do it differently. We have agency each and every day. We have authorship. We are the writers of our own stories.I also know that I am saying this as a privileged white person. As I write that, I think, would a single mom, a person of color, have the same agency to quit the job that she hates, that is making her unhappy? Not without getting something else first, no doubt. I know we don’t all have the same problems and that all of our problems won’t have the same solutions, but all I’m trying to say here is that if something is not right in your life, don’t just accept it. Do something about it. For more, see #1.
  12. Ignorance.
    WE THE PEOPLE have a responsibility to do better. Be better ancestors. Read more books written by and about people not like you. Support each other, stop competing with each other. And stop. living. in. your. own. damn. bubble.
  13. School shootings.

  14. Migraines and all chronic pain.

  15. Careless waste.
    Fireworks. Plastic bags. Glass jars. Wrapping paper. All the food we throw away. Wastes of time. Something I just discovered called LOL dolls. Do you know how much plastic wrap one of those things uses?We have agency in creating the world we want. We can all do a very simple thing to prevent companies from making things like this anymore….stop buying them!!!
  16. Obsession with profit over People:
    I’ll just carry on from the above: I am so tired of the profit-seeking, capitalistic, greedy-ass Americans. Upon learning that milk is not good for adults and that many of us are intolerant to dairy/lactose, something that causes inflammation and is linked to chronic pain (arthritis and IBS to name a couple), instead of these greedy, corporation owners just saying, –OK, we had a good run. Let’s take our insanely high gross earnings and invest in something else. –Maybe something healthy? -Sure, Bob,  let’s invest in something healthy and then doing that, they say, -Oh shit. We better learn how to sell an idea to the population that milk IS good for them, or better yet, let’s keep mass producing milk and mistreating cattle to keep extracting the gross amounts of milk we harvest every year and chemically treat the milk (you know, I have a friend in the chemicals business) so that it really isn’t natural any more, and tell people that IT is good for them!And that’s not the worst part—people believe it. It’s like they choose to believe it. (See #11) It’s easier to just keep spending the money on the crap and spending more money on medicine or simpler yet just to be content in our discomfort that instead of making something else for breakfast, like maybe some vegetables and protein, we continue eating overly processed grains shaped into squares with Their fake ass dairy-free milk. What is wrong with us???
  17. Big pharma over natural health remedies.

  18. Supporting the top-earning corporations.

    Ok, so my relationship with money has changed a lot in the last year. May this year be the year that yours does, too.

    People buy so much shit they don’t need (AKA lactose-free milk) and support companies whose values we don’t really believe in, (AKA companies that test on animals, or companies that, I don’t know….hire rapists as their CEOs, wherever you draw the line…) and then sit around and complain about what our world has come to.WE the PEOPLE allow, and at times encourage, this terrible stuff to happen. We MUST make smarter choices with how we spend our money when we must spend it. We must vote with our money, and make smart choices as consumers. More than anything, Money speaks, and though we all have different amounts of it, and therefore some have more power than others, we do all take a stance each and every time we spend money on something.When we go to Target or Walmart when we need a new spatula instead of to the 2nd hand store, we are telling the producers that want them to keep making new plastic products.When we throw away Tupperware every 6 months because we microwave too much in it and the plastic gets all nasty…we are telling the producers that want them to keep making new plastic products. We are telling Mother Nature that we don’t care about polluting her. Abusing her.

    When we make a decision for our company to allow animal testing because we want the additional profits by selling in China, or when we know that a company does that and we still buy their products because “it’s our favorite,” we are taking a stance, voting, condoning, encouraging these bad behaviors that are ruining our planet.

    Mother Nature is a Source of Life, not a resource. People are one of her gifts. Please, in 2019 let us all work on banishing the ills of society that we had to witness through 2018.


I could carry on and on about each of these things, but…I feel like I’m beating a dead elephant in the room, so I will just leave you with this:

WE the PEOPLE must do better. And here’s the good news….we CAN do better!

If you’d like to talk more about any of these “to be banished” items, or want to add your own to the list, just comment below!

Power to the People

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Tonight I will express my greatest right as an American by filling out a ballot with my name on it, my opinions. I will exercise my privilege tomorrow when I turn it in and have it counted without question at my nearest polling location.

I believe this right belongs unequivocally to ALL citizens of the United States. I know that if I exercise my privilege responsibly, that someday, this right will belong to ALL.

Tonight, on Election Eve, I put on some music and started dancing and unpacking from being away from home for the last 18 days, thinking about crawling under a blanket and getting cozy with my thoughts and my ballot, a coveted way I exercise my privilege and freedom.

As I danced around my studio apartment, I felt immense gratitude for my freedom, and my rights. Freedom and rights (systems of the very same government with which I am about to engage) which are being violently and discreetly withheld from others. I recognize my paradox: I must participate in the system to break the system.

Sometimes, when I think about my freedom, I ugly cry. I feel it so deeply and joyously that my face distorts and light beams from every orifice, and I feel so beautiful. I will always exercise my Freedom by voting.

I am so grateful for my freedom and my rights that it makes me dance in joy and laughter.

But I am not satisfied. In so many ways I am such a disappointed woman.

I will never be satisfied until ALL people have the same privileges as I do, the same as every white man and woman in the U.S. Until EVERY person gets to vote. Until every person can freely and safely stand, sit, or kneel wherever they damn well please, and fill out their ballot regardless of their past or address.

I know I am not alone in my anger, disappointment, disgust, and fear about the state of things in the U.S. and around the world. But I also see every single day that I am out there doing this work, that NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE ANGRY. (And just because I am angry doesn’t mean I am going to be violent. I’m not a loser white man.)

I’m sitting here at my table looking at a copy of the speech “A Disappointed Woman” delivered by Lucy Stone at the National Woman’s Rights Convention from 1855.

As grateful I am for early feminists, I also know that the white women fighting for suffrage did not, most of them, have black women in mind. Or at least, if black women were in the white women’s minds, the ideas didn’t cross their lips. But I am not so quiet.

“It shall be the business of my life to deepen this disappointment in every woman’s heart until she bows down to it no longer.” (Stone)

I accept this as my work, also, Stone. I will not bow down. I will always stand up and fight for my fellow People.

I am beyond disappointed in the White Man laws made with “no basis except in the usages and prejudices of the age” (Stone). Beyond disappointed in the remnants of these laws that are still being used today to hinder….restrain….obstruct…..deny……punish…..build walls up around…..rape….destroy….systematically and slowly erode the foundation of…. an entire culture–nope, not just one culture. Cultures—plural! White men-serving laws made by white men cowardly in power and meant to punish black men and strip them of their rights…..THESE LAWS are still being used to OBSTRUCT THE ADVANCEMENT OF ANYONE WHO IS NOT A CIS-WHITE MAN, most especially black people, indigenous people, brown people, and people of color in general. THESE LAWS which have systematically destroyed entire cultures (and the whole time shouting “Freedom” and “Justice for All” )…..THESE LAWS which created and enabled so many fucked up systems are deeply ingrained in our cultural identity and show up in so many terrible, dangerous, and….simply frightening ways.

I can’t do any more tonight except to ask you once more before tomorrow’s election, to look into your heart, and then look out to your neighbors, and do what is required of you to make Democracy work: Vote FOR THE PEOPLE. Vote for the People whose voices are not yet equally and fairly represented in our government seats and in our government’s offices. We do have the power to give the power back to the PEOPLE.

Vote before 7 pm on November, 6th.

I leave you with these parting words:

“The ballot is stronger than the bullet.” (Abe Lincoln)

Why do you think white men have allowed black people to have so many guns, but still keep them from voting?

Vote for everyone who still can’t. Vote for every child who lives in fear every day right here in the United States.

 

This piece is dedicated to the strong young woman who once delivered an essay to me over the phone, who just witnessed my first Live video. To Monica. Power to the People!

To my Hive of Strong Women Everywhere

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This post is dedicated to all domestic violence survivors: Abuse doesn’t have to leave a bruise. Also, you are stronger than you know.

https://www.thehotline.org/

Domestic Violence Hotline #
1-800-799-7233

Dear sisters, friends, friends’ sisters, sister’s friends. Dear mothers, lovers, teachers, dreamers, leaders: 

Today, I call out to you for your collective strength. You are all my hive, without whom I could not be where I am today.

I would give away all of my money, all of my possessions, everything, if it would guarantee that all people after me, every single woman and man, would have an equal say. I would honestly give my life for that. Millions of people already have given their lives, yet without resulting in the ideal We promise: Liberty and justice for all….Land of the free. Still, we do not honor our word; Consider this my first public taking of the knee.

There are people around the U.S. right now being denied from voting. Democracy is dying. We are not doing this properly. Come on, US! In some countries, everyone must vote; in Brazil if a person doesn’t vote, (they may abstain only by appearing on election day and reporting it on their ballot) they endure a small fine and are ineligible for government employment.

Yet here, in a country founded by THE PEOPLE for THE PEOPLE, voter suppression is a very real and systemic problem. I would give my life if it meant putting a stop to that problem once and for all. For Native Americans, for Black people and People of Color, for elderly people, for criminals, everyone should have ease of access to the polls.

I know I cannot fix this problem alone, and nor can it be fixed before this upcoming election. Nothing is immediate. This is why I’m reaching out. I can’t fix this, nor any of the other problems, alone. But I can activate, empower, and encourage other women to raise themselves up out of the shadows so that together we may reclaim our space, and bring up this nation. (But only if all women do this together. White, Black, Indigenous, all Women of Color, we Women must do it together. White Women: we’ve GOT to do better at supporting non-white women.)

I need you, sisters. I need you all. I will give it everything I have.

Right now, my plate is full with many amazing learning opportunities and giving endeavors. I am investing my time in mastering these learnings so that I may be a better ally, advocate, and ancestor.

If you are able to, please invest in me. Send me a note of encouragement. Invite me over for a meal or tea. Come out on your day off and volunteer with me. Refer me to your friends and neighbors to hire me for English tutoring or babysitting or dog-sitting jobs so I may continue to have some flexible income. Make an online donation to my gofundme page. OR simply send me a good thought. I’m sending you one, right now.

To all the strong women before me, with me, and after me: Thank you. I love you.

#whyIkneel #votersuppression #vote #votethemout #womensupportingwomen

Growing Pains Ahead

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I didn’t know when I set off on this Tour of Hope, self-defense for Native women mission that it had to start with my-self. Here I am one month on the path, and facing some of the biggest challenges of my life. I’m here to tell you that changing your life can be done AND growing pains should be expected!

Despite the anticipated benefits to myself and Mother Earth, it is truly difficult to change so much so fast. Some people might not recommend doing all I have in just one month’s time, but I say, there is no time like the present! In my new routine, I have felt discomfort, doubt, pain and fear: fear of failure, fear of “more different than I’m ready for,” and fear of the judgment that can come from others.

Nevertheless, I am moving ahead with my personal transformation, and I invite you all to be a part of the conversation–just comment below with any tips, questions, or any dang thing that pops into your head! I’d love to talk to you!

In my last post I announced that I would only eat: local, organic, and unpackaged foods, with the exception of eating food that would otherwise go to waste. Well, the parents went on vacation and left a fridge full of leftovers, so I mostly lived on that for the week, and you all know my weakness for fine cuisine, so when I went out with friends one night I couldn’t help but order some tasty things (which didn’t strictly meet those 3 criterion, but they made me happy). I will continue to try my best, and I will certainly continue to make “mistakes.” The point is not to be perfect, just to be better.

Once it was time to restock, seeing that Z and I are both living on a tight budget, we checked out the local dumpster scene! 

One morning, we gathered 17 pounds of free food: apples, melons, peppers, and organic whey protein (had “expired” a few days before–still totally fine to eat), about 20 individually packaged.

This all came from two dumpsters in the neighborhood (most dumpsters we met were locked.)

Z returned each morning for the rest of the week and found empty or locked dumpsters until yesterday, when she came home with probably 40 pounds of produce. Melons, bananas, summer squash, onions, broccoli, peaches, grapes, tomatoes (organic!), potatoes, lemons, mangos, pineapples…oh my gosh! It was a real cornucopia!

So that, along with a few local, organic and unpackaged pantry items, will feed us nicely this weekend and into the week. I made applesauce, we’ve had some fine salads, Lin made banana bread, and Z is making soup as I type! Amazing, right!?

I’m not saying everyone should go out and dig in the local dumpsters for free food, but….well, why not!? Ha!

Other than that, I have been doing a decent job of biking, though many of the free fitness classes we’re taking are too far away to bike to yet, so we’ve still been using the car. I have been to three boxing classes, my first Qigong class, and kickboxing and a mixed martial arts class will start on Tuesday. At the first of the month I completed my first 3-day fast, and I’ve been spending a lot of time outdoors, mediating, reading, walking, etc.

We rinse all produce in a baking soda bath and a vinegar bath and give them a good scrub.

These changes have made me super sensitive. I have had some strange physiological symptoms like cramps and headaches, and I am highly emotional right now. I am on a spiritual journey, for sure, and am so happy and grateful that I get to spend this time really taking care of myself right now, in order to be better prepared to take care of others when the time is right.

Learning the Gears

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They say about riding bikes, you never forget, but what if you’re 31 and never really learned in the first place? And what if the bike has 24 gears?! Eek!

It’s one thing to pedal up and down mostly straight, flat roads, but we’re not in Weldona anymore. Navigating 24 gears in San Diego county is a whole different animal. But, this is the Tour of Hope, after all, so let’s remain hopeful!

I will start by saying Z is way stronger than I am. She’s been running and exercising regularly for most of her adult life. Me? My exercise comes in the form of need-inspired walking, sporadic stationary biking (no shifting required), the occasional strength circuit, periodic bouts of yoga, and isolated incidents of bedroom calisthenics. My quads and hammies are not up for all this pedaling, but they’re getting there!

We’re making rookie mistakes, for sure, as we cruise up and down the hills in La Mesa. Accidentally going up hill in high gear, not shifting down soon enough before the hill, skipping gears when we don’t mean to. Still trying to figure out the trick in timing to take that sweet momentum off the hill up the next one while being in the best gear….not quite there yet.

So far, an 8-mile round trip is the longest ride we’ve done, and it truly filled us with hope. I took my time on the hills, was patient with myself, and never had to walk the bike, so that’s a success! It’s still a long way to go before we head out to a powwow 140 miles away next month, but we’re going to make it.

Despite the unforeseen plot twist, we are still planning to attend the upcoming powwows around San Diego and LA. We will volunteer at these traditional events to gain a better understanding of each community and seek input from the elders and other community leaders about how our program can help meet their needs. This will be invaluable experience to inform our program development.

Additionally, I begin my own self-defense training tomorrow! Z is already a trained instructor, but I will be investing my time in learning combination martial arts, defense-based kickboxing, and whatever else I can fit into my schedule next to the bike training.  

Something else we are working on is finding a piece of land for a workshop space. Or rather a person who owns land they’d like an office and garden on. We will build a small, sustainable, office/living space from reclaimed materials, complete with a rainwater filtration system and garden and compost system, if they like, which we will build, maintain, and leave the landowner with once we no longer need it…we just need someone in San Diego with the right space and the interest and willingness to let us work there for no exchange of money. Please let my know if you are or know of such a person.

So, I’m super hopeful about that, and look forward to building a tiny office in the near future!

It turns out that starting your own non-profit/service-based program is a lot like learning to ride a bike!

Giving up to carry on

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Hello friends,

I just watched this cool video from a man I look up to a lot. He reminded me that I am currently living in the state which produces more food than any other state in the U.S!

This and some other things Rob Greenfield touches on in this episode have inspired me to change how I eat, and how I contribute to the system (#resist #maxandbellaaren’tyouproud? #what?thisisn’thowhastagswork?).

Starting now, I will only eat food that is local, organic, and unpackaged*, and food that would otherwise go to waste. (Did anyone else just get hungry?)

I know in my gut (no pun intended) that this is part of my journey: living in a way that respects my body and my planet. Therefore, I will carry on with my mission even more intentionally by giving up some seriously bad food habits along the way and maybe a few pounds?? Please!?? (Could anyone else eat potato chips and chocolate every day of their life? I don’t but…oh. my. gosh. I didn’t even think about chocolate when I made my promise….errrgh, is it too late to take it back??) 

All rambling aside, did you know more than 30% of the food produced in the U.S. is thrown out?! And 20% of people in the U.S. face hunger. As Rob says, it looks like we don’t have a food problem in the U.S. but a distribution problem.

So, while I am here in beautiful San Diego, I am going to make the most of what is around me, and spend as little as possible while I do it!

I’d love to hear your thoughts below–what did you find interesting in the video? Do you already eat like this?  If so, any tips? Do you think I’m going to succeed or fail miserably? If so, any tips? 🙂

*The meat from the cattle my father raises on his farm in Colorado is packaged in plastic wrap and butcher’s paper. It is the freshest and best quality beef one could find in this day and age in the U.S. Like hell will I skip out on eating that anytime I am back in Colorado.

Happy Taco Tuesday, everyone! I guess that’s going to be my first REAL test tomorrow!

~Bean

Bike Tour Delayed, Mission in Progress

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I’ve been in San Diego for 15 days now working towards the goal of empowering Native American women through self-defense with Lindsey.

Some of you know about our initial plan to build our own bikes–well, trust me when I say I have enough to learn right now, and I want someone who really knows what he is doing to build the very transportation on which I will rely. Still, we spent a full day in the shop learning everything we could about operating, maintaining, and repairing our used bikes. I am excited to become a proficient cyclist in the near future!

SONY DSC

Some of you are also aware that I was planning on volunteering for an established non-profit organization–but…Plot Twist!

That organization, like many startups that don’t have the right support–not enough media appeal to get funding??? No, self-defense isn’t glamorous, but, seriously people, think about what We choose to spend our money on… the things we consume thoughtlessly while others struggle to acquire basic needs like safety and healthy food… and the countless positive things we avoid investing in, do SO much harm to others. This mindless, consumerist system is the most selfish and harmful thing a species has ever done to its own kind. We call ourselves the most advanced species? Think about–wait, what was I saying?

Oh yeah– That organization, with its wonderful intentions and limited resources, was not in a place to accept our help. Sounds weird, right? To not accept help? Well, unexpected things happen a lot in life, so…here’s our response:

We will not be thrown off our mission. Women need us. The Native Nations need us. America needs us. We will apply all we know and learn all we can to move ahead with re-empowering Native women through self-defense.

We already have some interesting plans in the works, but we are new at this work, so if you have any ideas or anything to contribute, please reach out!

Of course, this delay also means postponing the bike-tour, but I have committed to riding my bike as much as possible–It will be my main form of transportation…up until today I treated it more like a new toy.

I will keep posting updates on our progress, and I also plan on keeping track of the costs of this adventure.  What does it cost to quit a full-time job with benefits to go volunteer? What does it cost to live with family (rent free in half of a bedroom at the moment) and ride a bike instead of drive a car?  Is it going to be worth the financial savings… or will I lose the peace I’ve gained from living two years by myself? What is my own space really worth? What does it cost to give up security for a dream?…And as we will find out together…..what will I gain?  

Comment below with any cycling tips or words of encouragement to keep us powered through our mission!

Life Lessons Learned from Living Abroad in Brazil

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My wonderful friends in Brazil put a book together for me as a going away gift, and left a few pages blank with prompts on them. One of those pages inspired this post. Thank you, Maxine.

Here are my top 10 life lessons for living a happy life.

  1. Take care of yourself. Self-love and self-care must come first.
    In many ways I already knew this one, or else I wouldn’t have ever gone to Brazil, but I learned how to live it fully in these two years. Creating a healthy work/life balance was very important to me here, and I often spent time cooking, painting, walking, or watching my favorite shows after work instead of grading and planning (though there was still plenty of that!). Journaling and yoga were also big parts of my self-care. I encourage everything to find what works for them!

  2. We need each other, our hive, our tribe.
    Once I learned how to love myself, the friendships in my life blossomed. The respect I had for myself set the standard for what I expected of others. My time in Sao Paulo would certainly not be so memorable and cherished if it wasn’t for the amazing people I got to work with, travel with, party with, cook with, paint with, teach with etc. They built me up, and taught me just how wonderful it is to surround yourself with positive people. Also important: we don’t need EVERYONE and there are some people who we certainly don’t need in our life, but we need others, we need like-minded people in our circle and people who push us outside of our comfort zone.
  3. Be open, and the world will be open to you. Be kind, and the world will be kind to you.
    So many people in my life before I moved from the U.S. were full of warnings and advice, were full of fear for my move. Thank you all for caring, but in my experience, it is carrying fear which invites evil. Send out the energy you wish you receive, and it seems…you shall!
  4. Look up.
    What a beautiful and wonderful and amazing world we live in! Take it all in! People miss so much when we spend too much time on technology or in our own heads. Predators look for people who are distracted, so looking up and seeing who and what is around me makes me more safe. I didn’t stay out of harm’s way by retreating into my phone and remaining naively blissful; I was awake to the world around me, and looked at people and situations with a keen eye and was able to entirely AVOID harm by being mindful or my surroundings and being present in each moment.
  5. Dreams don’t work unless you do.
    Nothing is going to come to you for free. You have to set your intentions, let the universe know, and then work all the damn time to make those dreams come true. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, and if that isn’t a dream come true, I don’t know what is!
  6. Walk barefoot in the grass.
    This one means so much more than this specific action. It means to take time for yourself to take in your surroundings and connect to this beautiful Earth. In Brazil, I would often take my shoes off and walk around the soccer field during my lunch break. It was so energizing. To touch nature, to place your feet in the sand, in a stream…there is something so grounding about bare feet in nature.
  7. Stay present.
    Mindfulness has been a years-long journey for me that has brought exponential joy into my life. From more fully enjoying the taste of my food, to engagingmore meaningfully with the person across the table from me, to listening to my body and my emotions more, bringing more attention and mindfulness to each moment has made everything better. And related to #4, it has also kept me safe. I have avoided several awkward, if not unsafe, situations by just paying more attention to the energy around me.
  8. Always go on the adventure.
    I’ve definitely embraced the “better an ‘oh well’ than a ‘what if?’” mindset, and have been rewarded for it greatly. Not only have I gotten to see incredible places, I have gotten to learn these life lessons authentically. Traveling also increases empathy, and who couldn’t use more of that?! I encourage everyone to go see the world, as far away from home as they are able to!

    My top 10 places to visit in Brazil list is coming soon!
  9. Stay positive.
    This relates to so many, but it bears repeating. I used to have a very negative internal monologue. Becoming aware of that and taking systematic steps to change it, such as keeping a gratitude journal, have helped me be so much happier and so much less stressed and anxious. It’s also one of those pieces of advices that used to make me roll my eyes, but until you live it, you can never know how much it will change your life.
  10. People are good.
    Again, this one goes back to #3, but this was a resounding lesson from my two years abroad. Despite not even being able to speak portuguese well, I was immersed to so many heartwarming interactions. In the middle of the largest city in South America, in the middle of a torrential rain, in the middle of my walk home, I hopped on a city bus. A complete stranger reached out and handed me an empty shopping bag, noticing before I did that the one in which I was carrying extra items home from work had disintegrated in the rain and was barely holding said items in any longer. Countless times when I was traveling, people greeted me with warm smiles, tips about the best local bakery, I even shared a table at a busy restaurant with a family one night and had a wonderful time laughing and sharing food–we didn’t even speak the same language! In a world where we are so often flooded with bad news about terrible things happening (and don’t get me wrong, they are happening and it’s important to stay engaged and do everything we can to make this world a better place), it is VITAL to remember how many GOOD people there are. How GOOD people are. We have some screwed up systems, for sure, but individually, 99% of people are good. Don’t trust me? I suggest you get out of your house (without a cell phone) and go see for yourself!

    Thanks for reading! More to come soon about my next journey, the Tour of Hope with LindseyLou!