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growing

To Be Engaged

November 1, 2018 By Bean 1 Comment

On this final day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I reach out with an open heart to all of the women and men in abusive relationships. Sometimes this conversation neglects to acknowledge the men who are also victims of narcissistic and abusive behaviors from their partners. I want you to know that I see you. I stand by you, also.

“Every love story is a tragedy if you wait long enough.”
(The Handmaid’s Tale series)
No relationship should begin as one.

First of all, let me start by saying that you don’t need to be in an abusive relationship to want to leave, or have “permission” to leave a relationship. I also believe that the end of a relationship, although it can be painful and difficult to one or more parties, is never a bad thing. Like sex, if just one person doesn’t want to be involved, ever or anymore, even if one party is happy and interested, it’s best for it to stop. If there is ANY reason to end a relationship, it’s usually a good reason.

For nine years I talked myself into staying in a relationship, which by all accounts, wasn’t healthy. I didn’t have a lot of confidence when I met him at 19 years old, which coincided with a college assignment where I delved into analyzing the language of users of new-then dating websites. I had to create an account to access other profiles, and Eharmony told me I was unmatchable. I ended up marrying the next boyfriend I had. Online dating still makes me cringe.

Despite all of the warning signs in that relationship (which started pretty early on) — the arguing, the manipulation, the insults and disrespect he dished out in the form of eye-rolls, I largely ignored how he made me feel. I ignored it just like I ignored the actions and words of my younger brother, who suffered from the same personality disorder as the man who is now my ex-husband.

The dishonesty with myself made me increasingly vulnerable to his continued attacks on my self-esteem. I literally used to tell myself that other things in my life were good enough, so what if he wasn’t that nice to me behind closed doors or didn’t like my family? Maybe true love wasn’t really in the cards for me. At least he could cook well and we wouldn’t be poor. I know, desperate and sad.

“You accept the love you think you deserve.”

Granted, every relationship (strong or struggling) looks different, and abuse takes many forms, so I won’t get too personal here by revealing every detail of my 9-year long relationship. I also want to acknowledge that I, my Self, played a big part in letting the abuse (verbal and sexual) continue for so long. By staying with him despite all of our problems, I mislead my partner into believing that I was ready for the big step into marriage, and I was too scared and too weak to end the relationship by the time we were planning the wedding.

I dreaded many aspects of our future together, worried about all the future arguments we’d have, worried about losing my friends and family, worried that I wouldn’t be able to be a mom because I didn’t see him fit to be a dad.

The constant internalized worrying made me ill. I couldn’t eat anything without getting sick, so I was weak and scrawny as I glided like a ghost in my white dress down the aisle.

I saw myself in the magazines that mentioned in colorful blurbs that 1 in 5 women knew before the wedding that the marriage was doomed, but something inside me said it would be OK, that it was the best I could do. That eventually I wouldn’t feel that way about him anymore.

But I believe there’s something I could have done differently during the engagement that might have helped me step away before I stepped down the aisle. I know for sure that divorcing him after four years of marriage was no less hurtful than if I would have called off the wedding, so I want to talk to you, anyone who might be in this stage of their life, about the word engagement.

After the proposal, before planning a wedding, we both should have engaged in months of thoughtful marriage planning.

Being engaged is a time to figure out if marriage is really the best thing for you and the other person. We need to stop the taboo of ending an engagement. It is the time you should be discussing everything about your relationship and futures, if you haven’t already.

Calling off a wedding can feel like an unconquerable mountain once you’ve accepted or presented a ring. But in planning any event, new discoveries sometimes prevent the event from taking place. For until an exchange of vows occurs, there is nothing holding you into that relationship. No matter how much time you’ve spent with (or working on them as we sometimes see it) that person, no matter what experiences you’ve been through together, you do not owe that person anything except a respectful, honest goodbye.

In our society, it seems that the weight of an engagement ring comes with the same degree of commitment as the actual marriage certificate. Despite all of the people I know who are divorced, I only know one person who ever called off an engagement, that I know of. I likewise know a large number of people who are unhappily married, the normalcy of which might be why I accepted years of verbal abuse and a dysfunctional sex life. I am NOT advocating for divorce; I am advocating for you to have a happy life by taking your engagement very seriously.

Unlike a recent advertisement I saw for Match.com, I do think a great person is worth the wait.

To be engaged should be viewed not as the ultimate commitment to the other person, but as a time to engage in a thoughtful process about if they are really the one with whom you want to make that commitment. Engage in serious and tough conversations with the person (even if you already had them when you were dating). When people use this time to plan their wedding but not their marriage, they are doing serious jeopardy to their relationship.

Engage in activities that help you identify exactly how that person confronts challenge, how they treat people in stressful situations, how they manage their money. Engage in a deep look into who the other person truly is. If warning signs (trust yourself) come up during the engagement, put off the wedding. Honestly, don’t even think about planning a wedding celebration until you’ve been engaged in meaningful work about planning a marriage.

Observe everything. About yourself, and about your partner. And about how they act around your family. And how they act around their family. And how you act when they do something that disappoints you.

If a person can refrain from changing or parenting his or her partner, they have a greater opportunity for putting themself in a position of respect. If one of you is always doing everything for your partner, you risk being walked over. And if one of you is above the other, that does not make for a stable foundation for a marriage.

Be very mindful about how you speak to each other. How you greet each other. How you feel when you’re apart, when you’re together, the moment right before you’re together, the moments after. Listen to your body. 

Engage in conversations with the people who care most about you. Engage with your family and friends and ask them to be completely honest with you about how they see your relationship. You are the ultimate decision maker in your life, and if you have people you confide in for anything important in your life, you should most definitely talk to them about this.

If you find yourself avoiding those people or those conversations, I beg you to think about why you are doing that. If the people whom you most respect don’t see the good you see in your partner, if you find yourself making excuses for them, being embarrassed by them, avoiding your favorite people or activities when you are with them, there is probably a good reason for that. Definitely worth engaging in those feeling fully and contemplating the reason.

Speaking of reason, humans are capable of talking ourselves into anything. Our minds are extremely powerful; we can justify anything to ourselves if we think it’s what we want or deserve.

Don’t let marriage be something you have to talk your Self into.

Engage deeply with your fears and doubts.  Take time alone to think (maybe write) about the life you want, your values, your dreams. Engage with your Self on a very deep level. Be completely honest with yourself. It’s OK if you discover along this journey that you don’t want to marry this person. And better yet if you discover through all of that work that you truly do. That you do truly respect and value their presence in your life. That you find they really do help you shine your inner light even more brightly than you do on your own. I’m just asking you not to take that for granted.

Divorce sucks. It’s hard and it’s expensive. Even if you’ve invested years with this person, have been through major life events with them, own pets with them, own property or a business with them, or if you’ve already put down deposits on a location and purchased your dress and sent out invitations….none of that matters more than your long term happiness. Ending the relationship before the wedding takes place is worth the saved pain.

Marriage is a union, and it’s perfectly ok to be selfish before you enter into that commitment.

And you don’t have to be a victim of domestic violence to justify ending a relationship either. A marriage, maybe, but a relationship–no matter how long you’ve been together,–can be left whenever a person, just one person in that relationship, no longer wants to be in it. No contract. No obligation.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, even if you are unable to put your finger on exactly what is wrong, you have a good reason to leave it. (Do you ever hear yourself saying, It’s not that bad, or At least she doesn’t…?) Give yourself permission to step out of that doubtful place and invest in your Self.

A dear friend lovingly told me once that if I felt any doubt about my fiancé, that I should reconsider marrying him. I talked myself into the challenge of staying instead of into the challenge of leaving. If you have doubt about the relationship you are in–maybe more than concern about your differences in taste of home decor or travel destinations–you will be doing yourself and your partner a favor to trust yourself and end the relationship. They deserve someone who has no doubt about them. And so do you.

If two people want to be together, no marriage is going to change that. If a person is pressuring you to get married, there’s a good chance they might be hiding something, and it will come out once they have “secured” you into a permanent arrangement. Or maybe they have some self-improvement to work on before they are ready for marriage. Or maybe they don’t respect you. If you are getting any pressure from your partner, take a good hard look at where it might be coming from. 

A wedding is not a way to improve a relationship.

Strong, respectful relationships do not need weddings for them to last  or for them to be strong or respectful. If you feel like your does, then maybe you shouldn’t get married right now. What would it look like if you just kept dating? What would it look like if you took a break? Marriage is not about being in shackles, for either party; it is about forming a partner-ship with someone whom you love, respect, and admire. That foundation does not come from spending the most crucial moments of your relationship together planning a (wedding) party, but can come from planning a life together.

Looking back, I know there were so many signs all along that I ignored. While his friends and family expressed gratitude and excitement to me about our relationship, told me I brought out the best in him, etc., the same feeling wasn’t coming from my friends and family. That should have been my first clue. Our loved ones really do want the best for us, some of us just aren’t that good at communicating it (or hearing it).

I have so much more to say about this (like 4 more pages…)but I’ve tried to put my most heartfelt and pertinent advice out there tonight, just in case anyone needs to hear it.

You deserve so much happiness. You are the only one who can make it happen. You are worth it. 

If you think you are in an abusive relationship, or even just an unhappy one, reach out. If you aren’t ready to tell your family and friends yet, maybe you just start here: https://www.thehotline.org/ or read more about signs of abuse here: http://www.crossroadssafehouse.org/

 

P.S. If you want to know more about the “warning signs” from my relationship, don’t be shy. I am an open book. But I also know that no one wants to read a whole book about this, even though I’m pretty sure I have enough words on the topic to fill one!

Filed Under: Self-Love Tagged With: engagement, growing, happiness, help, love, marriage, self-love, toxic relationships

To my Hive of Strong Women Everywhere

October 23, 2018 By Bean Leave a Comment

This post is dedicated to all domestic violence survivors: Abuse doesn’t have to leave a bruise. Also, you are stronger than you know.

https://www.thehotline.org/

Domestic Violence Hotline #
1-800-799-7233

Dear sisters, friends, friends’ sisters, sister’s friends. Dear mothers, lovers, teachers, dreamers, leaders: 

Today, I call out to you for your collective strength. You are all my hive, without whom I could not be where I am today.

I would give away all of my money, all of my possessions, everything, if it would guarantee that all people after me, every single woman and man, would have an equal say. I would honestly give my life for that. Millions of people already have given their lives, yet without resulting in the ideal We promise: Liberty and justice for all….Land of the free. Still, we do not honor our word; Consider this my first public taking of the knee.

There are people around the U.S. right now being denied from voting. Democracy is dying. We are not doing this properly. Come on, US! In some countries, everyone must vote; in Brazil if a person doesn’t vote, (they may abstain only by appearing on election day and reporting it on their ballot) they endure a small fine and are ineligible for government employment.

Yet here, in a country founded by THE PEOPLE for THE PEOPLE, voter suppression is a very real and systemic problem. I would give my life if it meant putting a stop to that problem once and for all. For Native Americans, for Black people and People of Color, for elderly people, for criminals, everyone should have ease of access to the polls.

I know I cannot fix this problem alone, and nor can it be fixed before this upcoming election. Nothing is immediate. This is why I’m reaching out. I can’t fix this, nor any of the other problems, alone. But I can activate, empower, and encourage other women to raise themselves up out of the shadows so that together we may reclaim our space, and bring up this nation. (But only if all women do this together. White, Black, Indigenous, all Women of Color, we Women must do it together. White Women: we’ve GOT to do better at supporting non-white women.)

I need you, sisters. I need you all. I will give it everything I have.

Right now, my plate is full with many amazing learning opportunities and giving endeavors. I am investing my time in mastering these learnings so that I may be a better ally, advocate, and ancestor.

If you are able to, please invest in me. Send me a note of encouragement. Invite me over for a meal or tea. Come out on your day off and volunteer with me. Refer me to your friends and neighbors to hire me for English tutoring or babysitting or dog-sitting jobs so I may continue to have some flexible income. Make an online donation to my gofundme page. OR simply send me a good thought. I’m sending you one, right now.

To all the strong women before me, with me, and after me: Thank you. I love you.

#whyIkneel #votersuppression #vote #votethemout #womensupportingwomen

Filed Under: News, Teaching Tagged With: encourage, growing, happiness, intention, learning, sisters, support, teaching, women

Growing Pains Ahead

August 18, 2018 By Bean 2 Comments

I didn’t know when I set off on this Tour of Hope, self-defense for Native women mission that it had to start with my-self. Here I am one month on the path, and facing some of the biggest challenges of my life. I’m here to tell you that changing your life can be done AND growing pains should be expected!

Despite the anticipated benefits to myself and Mother Earth, it is truly difficult to change so much so fast. Some people might not recommend doing all I have in just one month’s time, but I say, there is no time like the present! In my new routine, I have felt discomfort, doubt, pain and fear: fear of failure, fear of “more different than I’m ready for,” and fear of the judgment that can come from others.

Nevertheless, I am moving ahead with my personal transformation, and I invite you all to be a part of the conversation–just comment below with any tips, questions, or any dang thing that pops into your head! I’d love to talk to you!

In my last post I announced that I would only eat: local, organic, and unpackaged foods, with the exception of eating food that would otherwise go to waste. Well, the parents went on vacation and left a fridge full of leftovers, so I mostly lived on that for the week, and you all know my weakness for fine cuisine, so when I went out with friends one night I couldn’t help but order some tasty things (which didn’t strictly meet those 3 criterion, but they made me happy). I will continue to try my best, and I will certainly continue to make “mistakes.” The point is not to be perfect, just to be better.

Once it was time to restock, seeing that Z and I are both living on a tight budget, we checked out the local dumpster scene! 

One morning, we gathered 17 pounds of free food: apples, melons, peppers, and organic whey protein (had “expired” a few days before–still totally fine to eat), about 20 individually packaged.

This all came from two dumpsters in the neighborhood (most dumpsters we met were locked.)

Z returned each morning for the rest of the week and found empty or locked dumpsters until yesterday, when she came home with probably 40 pounds of produce. Melons, bananas, summer squash, onions, broccoli, peaches, grapes, tomatoes (organic!), potatoes, lemons, mangos, pineapples…oh my gosh! It was a real cornucopia!

So that, along with a few local, organic and unpackaged pantry items, will feed us nicely this weekend and into the week. I made applesauce, we’ve had some fine salads, Lin made banana bread, and Z is making soup as I type! Amazing, right!?

I’m not saying everyone should go out and dig in the local dumpsters for free food, but….well, why not!? Ha!

Other than that, I have been doing a decent job of biking, though many of the free fitness classes we’re taking are too far away to bike to yet, so we’ve still been using the car. I have been to three boxing classes, my first Qigong class, and kickboxing and a mixed martial arts class will start on Tuesday. At the first of the month I completed my first 3-day fast, and I’ve been spending a lot of time outdoors, mediating, reading, walking, etc.

We rinse all produce in a baking soda bath and a vinegar bath and give them a good scrub.

These changes have made me super sensitive. I have had some strange physiological symptoms like cramps and headaches, and I am highly emotional right now. I am on a spiritual journey, for sure, and am so happy and grateful that I get to spend this time really taking care of myself right now, in order to be better prepared to take care of others when the time is right.

Filed Under: Food, Health, News, Self-Love Tagged With: challenges, eating, food, growing, happiness, learning, overcoming challenges

Learning the Gears

August 9, 2018 By Bean Leave a Comment

They say about riding bikes, you never forget, but what if you’re 31 and never really learned in the first place? And what if the bike has 24 gears?! Eek!

It’s one thing to pedal up and down mostly straight, flat roads, but we’re not in Weldona anymore. Navigating 24 gears in San Diego county is a whole different animal. But, this is the Tour of Hope, after all, so let’s remain hopeful!

I will start by saying Z is way stronger than I am. She’s been running and exercising regularly for most of her adult life. Me? My exercise comes in the form of need-inspired walking, sporadic stationary biking (no shifting required), the occasional strength circuit, periodic bouts of yoga, and isolated incidents of bedroom calisthenics. My quads and hammies are not up for all this pedaling, but they’re getting there!

We’re making rookie mistakes, for sure, as we cruise up and down the hills in La Mesa. Accidentally going up hill in high gear, not shifting down soon enough before the hill, skipping gears when we don’t mean to. Still trying to figure out the trick in timing to take that sweet momentum off the hill up the next one while being in the best gear….not quite there yet.

So far, an 8-mile round trip is the longest ride we’ve done, and it truly filled us with hope. I took my time on the hills, was patient with myself, and never had to walk the bike, so that’s a success! It’s still a long way to go before we head out to a powwow 140 miles away next month, but we’re going to make it.

Despite the unforeseen plot twist, we are still planning to attend the upcoming powwows around San Diego and LA. We will volunteer at these traditional events to gain a better understanding of each community and seek input from the elders and other community leaders about how our program can help meet their needs. This will be invaluable experience to inform our program development.

Additionally, I begin my own self-defense training tomorrow! Z is already a trained instructor, but I will be investing my time in learning combination martial arts, defense-based kickboxing, and whatever else I can fit into my schedule next to the bike training.  

Something else we are working on is finding a piece of land for a workshop space. Or rather a person who owns land they’d like an office and garden on. We will build a small, sustainable, office/living space from reclaimed materials, complete with a rainwater filtration system and garden and compost system, if they like, which we will build, maintain, and leave the landowner with once we no longer need it…we just need someone in San Diego with the right space and the interest and willingness to let us work there for no exchange of money. Please let my know if you are or know of such a person.

So, I’m super hopeful about that, and look forward to building a tiny office in the near future!

It turns out that starting your own non-profit/service-based program is a lot like learning to ride a bike!

Filed Under: News, Teaching Tagged With: biking, growing, happiness, intention, learning, self-defense, support

Giving up to carry on

August 7, 2018 By Bean Leave a Comment

Hello friends,

I just watched this cool video from a man I look up to a lot. He reminded me that I am currently living in the state which produces more food than any other state in the U.S!

This and some other things Rob Greenfield touches on in this episode have inspired me to change how I eat, and how I contribute to the system (#resist #maxandbellaaren’tyouproud? #what?thisisn’thowhastagswork?).

Starting now, I will only eat food that is local, organic, and unpackaged*, and food that would otherwise go to waste. (Did anyone else just get hungry?)

I know in my gut (no pun intended) that this is part of my journey: living in a way that respects my body and my planet. Therefore, I will carry on with my mission even more intentionally by giving up some seriously bad food habits along the way and maybe a few pounds?? Please!?? (Could anyone else eat potato chips and chocolate every day of their life? I don’t but…oh. my. gosh. I didn’t even think about chocolate when I made my promise….errrgh, is it too late to take it back??) 

All rambling aside, did you know more than 30% of the food produced in the U.S. is thrown out?! And 20% of people in the U.S. face hunger. As Rob says, it looks like we don’t have a food problem in the U.S. but a distribution problem.

So, while I am here in beautiful San Diego, I am going to make the most of what is around me, and spend as little as possible while I do it!

I’d love to hear your thoughts below–what did you find interesting in the video? Do you already eat like this?  If so, any tips? Do you think I’m going to succeed or fail miserably? If so, any tips? 🙂

*The meat from the cattle my father raises on his farm in Colorado is packaged in plastic wrap and butcher’s paper. It is the freshest and best quality beef one could find in this day and age in the U.S. Like hell will I skip out on eating that anytime I am back in Colorado.

Happy Taco Tuesday, everyone! I guess that’s going to be my first REAL test tomorrow!

~Bean

Filed Under: Food, Health, News, Self-Love Tagged With: challenges, eating, food, growing, happiness, intention, life, support

Life Lessons Learned from Living Abroad in Brazil

July 26, 2018 By Bean Leave a Comment

My wonderful friends in Brazil put a book together for me as a going away gift, and left a few pages blank with prompts on them. One of those pages inspired this post. Thank you, Maxine.

Here are my top 10 life lessons for living a happy life.

  1. Take care of yourself. Self-love and self-care must come first.
    In many ways I already knew this one, or else I wouldn’t have ever gone to Brazil, but I learned how to live it fully in these two years. Creating a healthy work/life balance was very important to me here, and I often spent time cooking, painting, walking, or watching my favorite shows after work instead of grading and planning (though there was still plenty of that!). Journaling and yoga were also big parts of my self-care. I encourage everything to find what works for them!

  2. We need each other, our hive, our tribe.
    Once I learned how to love myself, the friendships in my life blossomed. The respect I had for myself set the standard for what I expected of others. My time in Sao Paulo would certainly not be so memorable and cherished if it wasn’t for the amazing people I got to work with, travel with, party with, cook with, paint with, teach with etc. They built me up, and taught me just how wonderful it is to surround yourself with positive people. Also important: we don’t need EVERYONE and there are some people who we certainly don’t need in our life, but we need others, we need like-minded people in our circle and people who push us outside of our comfort zone.
  3. Be open, and the world will be open to you. Be kind, and the world will be kind to you.
    So many people in my life before I moved from the U.S. were full of warnings and advice, were full of fear for my move. Thank you all for caring, but in my experience, it is carrying fear which invites evil. Send out the energy you wish you receive, and it seems…you shall!
  4. Look up.
    What a beautiful and wonderful and amazing world we live in! Take it all in! People miss so much when we spend too much time on technology or in our own heads. Predators look for people who are distracted, so looking up and seeing who and what is around me makes me more safe. I didn’t stay out of harm’s way by retreating into my phone and remaining naively blissful; I was awake to the world around me, and looked at people and situations with a keen eye and was able to entirely AVOID harm by being mindful or my surroundings and being present in each moment.
  5. Dreams don’t work unless you do.
    Nothing is going to come to you for free. You have to set your intentions, let the universe know, and then work all the damn time to make those dreams come true. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, and if that isn’t a dream come true, I don’t know what is!
  6. Walk barefoot in the grass.
    This one means so much more than this specific action. It means to take time for yourself to take in your surroundings and connect to this beautiful Earth. In Brazil, I would often take my shoes off and walk around the soccer field during my lunch break. It was so energizing. To touch nature, to place your feet in the sand, in a stream…there is something so grounding about bare feet in nature.
  7. Stay present.
    Mindfulness has been a years-long journey for me that has brought exponential joy into my life. From more fully enjoying the taste of my food, to engagingmore meaningfully with the person across the table from me, to listening to my body and my emotions more, bringing more attention and mindfulness to each moment has made everything better. And related to #4, it has also kept me safe. I have avoided several awkward, if not unsafe, situations by just paying more attention to the energy around me.
  8. Always go on the adventure.
    I’ve definitely embraced the “better an ‘oh well’ than a ‘what if?’” mindset, and have been rewarded for it greatly. Not only have I gotten to see incredible places, I have gotten to learn these life lessons authentically. Traveling also increases empathy, and who couldn’t use more of that?! I encourage everyone to go see the world, as far away from home as they are able to!

    My top 10 places to visit in Brazil list is coming soon!
  9. Stay positive.
    This relates to so many, but it bears repeating. I used to have a very negative internal monologue. Becoming aware of that and taking systematic steps to change it, such as keeping a gratitude journal, have helped me be so much happier and so much less stressed and anxious. It’s also one of those pieces of advices that used to make me roll my eyes, but until you live it, you can never know how much it will change your life.
  10. People are good.
    Again, this one goes back to #3, but this was a resounding lesson from my two years abroad. Despite not even being able to speak portuguese well, I was immersed to so many heartwarming interactions. In the middle of the largest city in South America, in the middle of a torrential rain, in the middle of my walk home, I hopped on a city bus. A complete stranger reached out and handed me an empty shopping bag, noticing before I did that the one in which I was carrying extra items home from work had disintegrated in the rain and was barely holding said items in any longer. Countless times when I was traveling, people greeted me with warm smiles, tips about the best local bakery, I even shared a table at a busy restaurant with a family one night and had a wonderful time laughing and sharing food–we didn’t even speak the same language! In a world where we are so often flooded with bad news about terrible things happening (and don’t get me wrong, they are happening and it’s important to stay engaged and do everything we can to make this world a better place), it is VITAL to remember how many GOOD people there are. How GOOD people are. We have some screwed up systems, for sure, but individually, 99% of people are good. Don’t trust me? I suggest you get out of your house (without a cell phone) and go see for yourself!

    Thanks for reading! More to come soon about my next journey, the Tour of Hope with LindseyLou!

Filed Under: Favorites, Health, News, Self-Love Tagged With: adventure, be happy, challenges, growing, happiness, life, life lessons, mindfulness, present

About What It Isn’t

April 12, 2017 By Bean Leave a Comment

I don’t normally share my poems, but it’s not a normal day, and that isn’t a terrible thing. So. Here’s a poem I wrote:

 

It’s not the chickens pecking

at the newly scattered corn

that I grew in my garden

just for them, and

it’s not the bees, or

the chickens or

the goat’s milk cheese, and

it definitely isn’t

owning a tiny house on a hill

protected all around by trees

and wildflowers picked

specifically

to add flavor to the honey–

no, it’s not that.

It’s not the stars on my Maps

of places I still want to see.

It’s not even the special places

I want to see

with someone special, and

it’s not watching my niblings

grow up (okay, it’s a little bit that), or

visiting friends around the world, including

those I still get to meet, and

it’s not all that I’m going to accomplish

in my career: the degrees,

the opportunities to lead, or

the paths I’m going to pave

as I teach the world to read, and,

no, it’s not even all the new

foods I still have to eat

that make me glow from

my toes to me cheeks

when I talk about

my future.

Filed Under: Favorites, Food, Self-Love, Teaching, Travel Tagged With: growing, happiness, life, love, travel

Oh, the challenges…

November 4, 2016 By Bean 1 Comment

Dear friends and family,

To be honest, part of my not writing since my last post was because the silence I received about an issue I care deeply about made me pretty sad. It’s ironic that the time I move away is when I am most passionate about the politics in the country I left. I don’t WANT to be making political posts on facebook and sharing about the inequality and unfairness I continue to see, but I feel like I have to. Just like I have always felt the need to stand up against the kids at school who make fun of the underdogs, against the foul words flung at friends who are different than others, against the bullying towards my mother from my little brother, against the slurs I hear from colleagues towards strangers, against the hurtful comments I hear from family and friends. I WILL NOT be quiet about my feelings, and even if I’m not the voice that all others agree with, I will always let my voice be heard, and I will always listen to other’s voices–And I hope that through these interactions that there will be growth and that kindness, empathy, and compassion will be the result.

This isn’t going to turn into another post from a soapbox, as I guess my last one must’ve come across when you’re all expecting to hear about my adventures and growth, but the lack of reaction made me continue thinking a lot about where I am in this life of mine. Life abroad has been a wildly exciting adventure….but it has also come with so many challenges, ones I never expected but am trying to overcome with a bit of grace. Here’s a deeper look into my life in the big city, three and a half months into my two year commitment.

Going from being a fairly competent adult on her own two feet, someone who feels absolutely comfortable doing things on her own (from completing basic tasks like cooking, to enjoying privileges of a single adult without children like going to dinner and a movie alone, and absolutely adoring my time and my own company) to feeling like a child again (in SO MANY WAYS) has shaken me. In fact, I was not only JillyBean
comfortable
with this lifestyle, peppered with an occasional lunch date with an old roommate, dinners with friends and family, and nights hanging with my niblings, but I was learning to really love it. Take a few days off work to go on a trip to NYC for a Broadway show? Hell yes! Hop on a place to fly to see my sister’s family on the west coast? Of course! Treat myself and little sister to a jazz show, enjoy a few martinis, then bacon maple donuts the next morning? Absolutely! Drive an hour for a dinner party with people I’ve never met–why not?!

Life was finally, and peacefully, totally in my control (aside from having a full-time job and real-life adult responsibilities, too, of course 🙂 )

Then all of that stops. Suddenly– though decisively and through a series of carefully considered alternatives–I’m in a brand new place. Those friends, whose availability, and that family, whose proximity, wdeathtostock_lonely_commute-09ere a great comfort, are suddenly no longer there. My ability to navigate anything from a neighborhood to a grocery store to my way around a museum, a mall, whatever—–all gone–right out the window along with my basic ability to communicate more than “good morning” (bom dia), “Is everything okay?” (tudo bem?), and “Everything is fine” (tudo bem.)

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My free lunch at the hospital cafe after getting blood tests.

There have been COUNTLESS situations where I’ve had to depend on those around me to communicate for me here. Do you know how frustrating that is? To not be able to SPEAK for yourself? Order food/drinks for yourself, go to the doctor by yourself, ask for a prescription by yourself? After spending the last two weeks quite ill from a virus and sinus infection, and having to be taken to the doctor’s office more than once by people pulled from their jobs to translate for me, I am more determined than ever to learn the local language. Despite classes two days a week, daily Duolingo lessons, and Brazilian TV on in the background, learning portuguese is not happening as fast as I’d like, which must mean I’m not doing enough. Despite the challenge, I know it will be worth it. The ability to communicate is something I will never again take for granted.

I am so grateful for all the people who have stepped up to help,  but it is challenging to have people always doing you favors, I think. I know that makes me sound like a privileged white person (oh yeah, I am). It’s easier when it comes from friends, but when the people going out of their way to thank you hardly know you, it feels like I’m a burden, and it makes me feel like a child.

And onto the ever important topic of friends…..having to make new ones as an adult isn’t fun, and it isn’t easy. In fact, it’s a lot like trying to make friends when you’re an adolescent, only stranger. I’m not talking about making A new friend occasionally as an adult–You meet a new person and click and soon you’re having coffee and he or she fits right in with your group of friends who go out from time to time when schedules aline–I’m talking about forming a new group of friends, new friendS to spend your time with, because when you can’t so easily do things you enjoyed doing on your own any more, having people around can be an excellent way to deal. A security blanket. A comfort shield. And when you learn that the people who you first formed your blanket with don’t end up having the same values as you, it’s hard to make that shift again to realize that company is great and all, but it’s never OK to change yourself to fit in–not as a kids, a teen, or an adult. We must be who we are. I am amazed at the pressure I felt to fit in, when back home I was finally confident being me.

deathtostock_lonely_commute-01

I want to get more comfortable being on my own again. I’ve taken baby steps–like to the mall, the grocery store……but when I mentioned going on a small trip by myself, something I’ve been doing since I was 16 years old………a colleague looked at me like I was crazy and continued to tell me that I wouldn’t be safe doing that. Uncomfortable? For sure. Challenging? Oh hell yes it will be. But when have people ever grown by sticking to what they know and taking the easy road? Safety precautions are a must–but living in fear didn’t get me here, and it’s not going to keep me here.

And that’s not it with my list of challenges! Have you ever been on a date with someone who doesn’t speak your language…literally? The dating world I had only just gotten a taste of, filled with deep intellectual conversations about literature and theology and politics and world travel, etc. etc. is now ever more important to me, and something I long to have again. In my current dating world, conversation is kept to a much more elementary level: What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite fruit? Do you like to cook? What do you like to cook? It’s no one’s fault. When you are attracted to someone and speak a little bit of each other’s language, I think it’s exciting and fun to put in the effort to communicate what you are able–but I certainly don’t want to be stuck in some strange 3rd grade dating world when you call a person, ask them how their day was, then breath on the phone together. img_3421OK–I better get back to my portuguese lessons! Haha.

Love to you all!

Jilly Bean

Filed Under: News, Self-Love, Travel Tagged With: dating, growing, overcoming challenges, Portuguese

About Ginger

August 23, 2016 By Bean 3 Comments

My Dear Readers,

Yesterday’s post was a bit bland, thanks for reading through it if you did! Here’s one that’s a bit spicier! ( And longer–I’ll work on that!)

About Ginger

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The knobby roots, pale brown with smooth skin, sat stacked on one of the first tables I passed. Priced at just R$4 for a package (about $1.25), they practically begged me to take them home.

They sat out on my counter for hours while I completed some chores, and each time I passed them I daydreamed about all the possible dishes they will soon be finding their way into.

Ginger has a uniquely stringent and spicy flavor, adds a tangy bite to many dishes, and works really well in sweet foods as well, so I’m looking forward to playing with this in many variations.

For each recipe that popped into my mind, I was lacking other key ingredients for those dishes, so I knew I was going to need to come up with some ways to preserve the ginger while it was still real fresh. I haven’t cooked with ginger much, but I have eaten many things with it and have seen it prepared a few tim

2F143DFC-E6E9-4431-846D-B5DFF044E678es, so I knew to use a spoon to peel off the skin. The round edge of the soon helps get around the bulbs and into the crevices of this oddly shaped root. However, having never personally done the peeling before, it took me a little while before I felt comfortable doing it. I started with it on the cutting board but realized I prefered to hold it in my hand to have better control of it. I also realized I was applying too much pressure at first and taking off a thicker layer than necessary, so I decided to make the shavings into tea instead of letting it go to waste.

Doing something for the first time feels a little strange. Using muscles in a new way that your body is not familiar with requires your mind to form new pathways as it navigates the new experience. It can be equally exhausting as it is rewarding. It also is in these times that we find inspiration, and something about doing this particular task made me think about something to do with my classes this week, so I jogged out of the kitchen to get on my laptop to write something down. As my hand pivoted above the keyboard in between thoughts, my right hand began shaking uncontrollably. I realized after a few moments that the muscles in my hand were strained from the unfamiliar position in which I’d been holding it. Just halfway through the peeling process I considered taking a break, but a recent conversation I had about being ambidextrous popped into my head and I decided this would be a good motor skill to practice with my non-dominant hand–as balance and strength in my body and mind is something I’ve been much more conscious about building lately. I used my left hand on most of the third knotty root before it was tired, and by then my right hand felt strong enough to continue. …

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Filed Under: Recipes Tagged With: carrots, challenge, cook, ginger, growing, peel, saute, season, spice

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Jillian. Jill. Jilly. Jilly Bean. Bean. It helped that I was all legs and full of energy. String Bean, Bouncing Bean. I liked keeping secrets but I loved to spill the beans. Bean Carries On is my garden. A place to cultivate thoughts about the things I care about. I’m a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a teacher, a gardener, a reader, an artist, a cook, and an empath.

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About the Author

Jillian. Jill. Jilly. Jilly Bean. Bean. And like a seed in soil, "Bean" stuck. Bean Carries On is my garden. A place to cultivate thoughts about the things I care about. I’m a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a teacher, a gardener, a reader, an artist, a cook, and an empath. I want this to be a place where we can learn together, so please leave comments and if there's anything you want to know, please ask!

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