Bean Carries On

From the Classroom to the Reservations

Bean

Indigenous People’s March, Denver, CO 2019

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The large falling snowflakes had me seriously considering staying inside; Even after I started walking, I turned around once to return back to my sister’s apartment, telling myself, It’s too wet and slick, I didn’t wear the right shoes, No one’s going to be there. Then I thought, The ancestors of this land walked in this snow, lived in this. Out in the elements made them more in tune. Marchers recalled the Trail of Tears to steel themselves again the heavy snow and icy wind.

Turning around felt like turning my back on the ancestors who marched across this land, true soldiers for Mother Nature, Earth Protectors, Water Protectors. Keepers of the Earth. It felt like turning my back on everyone who fought before me, fought to preserve this land and protect the water. Everyone who has to keep fighting every day for their very existence.

And like every one who carries on the in face of adversity, be it weather or ridicule or violence, I was grateful I endured.


Speakers from each generation and gender, including a two-spirit, and from all different life experiences, spoke about the adversities the Native Peoples have faced historically and present day. From the abusive boarding schools and national mantras provoking “Kill the Indian, save the man,” to the diseases and genocides brought upon them, and to the women who have gone missing and the statistics of abduction and assault that are higher than any other demographic in the US,  they have endured and endured and endured.

And yet. Each of their messages amplified gratitude and hope. Rather than mourn the smaller crowd or the cold weather, they celebrated the gift of the snow. Mni wiconi. Water is life.


They talked about the importance of being here to fight for everyone: For the elders, for the children, to empower the youth to take action so the elders can rest before their finals days. They reiterated that their fight is for all people: all indigenous people all around the world, those still in their homelands, like their brothers and sisters in South America, in Africa and Asia, and also for those who have fled to new lands, like the Europeans who colonized their land (my words, not theirs).

Those spoke on behalf of the women who were not there to speak for themselves, those who lost their lives and those who lost their spirit through abuse, abductions, and human trafficking. They spoke of the shockingly low number of cases of assault which are reported by the department of Justice, opposed to the true number.

They spoke of how proud they were of all of the young ones who are rising up to use their voices and are making sure to be seen. They encouraged one another to continue to work with the White People who are their allies, and they shared ways they continue to hold onto their culture, despite how many of the tribes have lost so much, including their language. Colorado was home to many indigenous tribes: Utes, Apache, Arapaho, Pueblo, Shoshone, Comanche, Kiowa, Cheyenne, Pawnee, and Zuni. Over the generations, people from many more tribes have moved to Denver and other Colorado cities. They spoke of their struggles, and the tone was reverent yet hopeful.


One young lady shared stories of her mother’s experiences in boarding school, of looking back at the yearbooks and noticing how many children who attended, never returned home….beaten or neglected to death. She spoke of the countless attempts throughout history White Man has made to erase them;  Their resilience this day was so obvious as they stood before the capital blanketed in snow. They would not be erased. They will not be. They are still here. Their very existence a show of resistance. She acknowledged how speaking up about their past has elicited their haters to call them Snowflakes, and her response was this: “They can go ahead and call us Snowflakes, because snowflakes are beautiful and each one is unique, and when enough snowflakes get together, they change entire landscapes.”

Everything about this event showed time and time again that the wisdom, brilliance, and gentleness of Native Americans must be honored, preserved, and amplified.  If we as humans are going to ever truly find a healthy relationship with the planet earth, we must honor the wisdom of these caretakers. They hold deep knowledge of the planet and I am afraid we aren’t going to be able to save our planet unless we listen to the Native Americans and their traditions and their ways of honoring Mother Earth without depleting her resources.

This event also got me thinking that here in the U.S. we have such an awesome and amazing advantage of having people from all over the world here, and people all over the world who continue to want to be here. We have been so immature and insane not to take full advantage of our unique circumstances of diversity in the US !!!!!!! Like the Sikh Americans who are preparing and serving meals to the furloughed government employees who are not being paid. Or the Chinese woman from the motel I stayed at last weekend: There is so much beauty and hospitality and generosity and grace in each culture, and we are depriving ourselves and our children of so much when we close doors or build walls to those opportunities to grow in empathy and grace and gratitude and humility.

Let us breathe together and be grateful for all that we have, and open our arms, not push people away or build walls around the bounty we have.

We are smart enough to solve the problem of illegal immigration while still holding doors and arms open to those who come here to seek a better life for themselves, and ESPECIALLY for those who come to escape fear, persecution, danger, war, etc. etc. We are better than walls. We are bigger than walls. We are a country of well educated and innovative leaders, both in and out of politics (especially thanks to the recent elections which have resulted in more women and more diversity in general in the house and senate than ever before).  We have so many amazing and talented people completely capable of making savvy and effective choices if given the opportunity. Mr. President: I am talking to you. Get more people involved in finding solutions that everyone can agree on.

For me, it comes down to taking care….of our self. Each other. The elders. The children. Mother Earth. Our rights. The rights of others. I will never stop writing and never stop fighting until everyone has the same rights and freedoms as I do. I will never stop. And neither will the resilient, brilliant warriors and sisters, Native men and women and two-spirits who are still here fighting every day, come rain or come snow, for a better future.  

#mmiw #mmiwg #nomorestolensisters #whyImarch #ipmdenver19 #standwithus
@indigenouspeoplesmovement

Beating a Dead Elephant in the Room, or Closing thoughts on 2018

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Forgive me for my title. On one hand I feel as if there is nothing more that could be said about any of these things that’s going to matter, and on one hand I feel the weight of lingering solutions to the problems we all (still) aren’t talking enough about.before this moon cycle ends, with the New Moon January 6th,  I would like to send 2018 a final farewell with a list of 18 things I would like to banish from the world.

I invite you to add a comment with your own contributions of things you’d like to banish!

  1. Waiting passively.
    We all keep watching Washington like it’s the only thing that can fix all of the problems. And it’s not. The government CANNOT fix all our problems. If we are lucky, they will do a couple of good things that make a lasting positive difference for anyone who isn’t already rich and white. I certainly am happy and hopeful about the diverse group of women and men who took their seats in the House on Friday, but we can’t all just sit back now and wait for things in our country to improve.

    If we keep waiting for the legislators to come in and fix everything (including some things on this very list), we will die waiting.
    As we keep ourselves uninformed and ignorant and easily manipulated by only listening to Them, They will continue to step on us….
  2. Self-Doubt, Self-Deprecation, Self-Loathing. Especially done by women.

    Please stop saying those bad things about yourself! Please listen to the things you say about yourself, and do everything you can to stop saying them. You are not stupid. You are not ugly. You are beautiful. You are learning the lessons you need to be learning. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You cannot achieve perfection and no one is expecting you to. Please, just stop talking bad about yourself. In public, online, especially in front of children…even in private, just stop. You deserve better than that. (Try talking to yourself the way you talk to your best friend!)

  3. Saying “I’m sorry” and all the other ways We make our Self feel small or unworthy.Just pay attention in a day to how many times you hear women (and children) say “I’m sorry” when they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.I’m sorry, but can I get some help?
    I’m sorry, can you please speak up?
    I’m sorry, I have other plans.
    I’m sorry, I’m just not interested in explaining to you why I’m too busy and/or not interested in going out with you.

    Can we all please stop apologizing for our very existence? Why are we apologizing for our needs?If you are just trying to get someone’s attention, let’s bring back saying things like, “hello” and/or “excuse me.”

    I read something about this a couple years ago which said to replace the I’m sorry with a thank you; Instead of “I’m sorry I’m late”, say, “Thank you for waiting for me.” It’s a pretty subtle thing, but it might just be what it takes to make you not feel like a burden on others.

    There are times when apologies are absolutely necessary, but being human/being imperfect/having opinions/having a bladder…. Are not any of them.

  4. Food deserts.
  5. Men who fear the #MeToo movement.
  6. Racism.
    I don’t know how to say this in a way that people will listen, but here’s one more attempt: We, as a species, look for similarities in EVERYTHING. We give human traits to dogs and elephants and flowers and…even electrical outlets smile back at us. Yet, white people as a race fail to see the similarities between themselves and People of Color.Just think about that. We find similarities in EVERYTHING….why would we naturally choose to “other” other people? Other human beings who DO have everything in common with us? Here’s a hint: it was manufactured because the people in power were afraid of an uprising, so they made enemies of white and black people. Systems have been put in place every since, and around the world, to maintain power.
  7. Over consumption of meat.
    If you didn’t personally hunt it or raise it or know the person who did, I don’t think you should be eating it. I say this as someone whose father raises delicious Colorado beef (email me if you’d be interesting in buying some!) so I understand I am in a complete position of privilege and bias when I say this, but truly, that factor is the main reason that I even still eat meat. I know the animals my father raises are well treated, well fed, and well respected in their life and death, and any time that I or anyone else eats meat, I want it to be under those circumstances.
  8. White-Supremacy
    And all of the ways White People hide behind their whiteness and white saviorism and …….White Women who call themselves allies but do not raise up the voices of women of color, indigenous women, Muslim women. Women who call themselves feminists but who aren’t working on dismantling their own overt and innate racism and biases……People who hide Confederate flags in their closets, or wear them proudly on their cars…..People who make excuses for Brett Kavanaugh and are pissed at Kaepernick……
  9. Shaming others.

  10. White people blaming their problems on immigrants.

  11. Complaining about whatever in your life isn’t making you happy instead of doing something about it.
    We all have choices to make each and every day. Staying at the job you hate, staying in the town you despise, spending time with people who don’t bring you joy, etc. etc., each of those are a choice every single day. You have agency. You have authorship. You are in control (unless you are under 18 and living at home–in that case, wait it out, and be sure to breathe, and exercise, and eat right, and floss your teeth while you are waiting–your life is going to become completely yours soon, if you choose to make it so. It will be worth it!)  Enough with resolutions and getting down on ourselves and giving up and thinking this is just the way it is. Every day you make so many choices to do this…or that. Making one choice on Jan 6th doesn’t mean that you have to make that choice for another 359 days before you can do it differently. We have agency each and every day. We have authorship. We are the writers of our own stories.I also know that I am saying this as a privileged white person. As I write that, I think, would a single mom, a person of color, have the same agency to quit the job that she hates, that is making her unhappy? Not without getting something else first, no doubt. I know we don’t all have the same problems and that all of our problems won’t have the same solutions, but all I’m trying to say here is that if something is not right in your life, don’t just accept it. Do something about it. For more, see #1.
  12. Ignorance.
    WE THE PEOPLE have a responsibility to do better. Be better ancestors. Read more books written by and about people not like you. Support each other, stop competing with each other. And stop. living. in. your. own. damn. bubble.
  13. School shootings.

  14. Migraines and all chronic pain.

  15. Careless waste.
    Fireworks. Plastic bags. Glass jars. Wrapping paper. All the food we throw away. Wastes of time. Something I just discovered called LOL dolls. Do you know how much plastic wrap one of those things uses?We have agency in creating the world we want. We can all do a very simple thing to prevent companies from making things like this anymore….stop buying them!!!
  16. Obsession with profit over People:
    I’ll just carry on from the above: I am so tired of the profit-seeking, capitalistic, greedy-ass Americans. Upon learning that milk is not good for adults and that many of us are intolerant to dairy/lactose, something that causes inflammation and is linked to chronic pain (arthritis and IBS to name a couple), instead of these greedy, corporation owners just saying, –OK, we had a good run. Let’s take our insanely high gross earnings and invest in something else. –Maybe something healthy? -Sure, Bob,  let’s invest in something healthy and then doing that, they say, -Oh shit. We better learn how to sell an idea to the population that milk IS good for them, or better yet, let’s keep mass producing milk and mistreating cattle to keep extracting the gross amounts of milk we harvest every year and chemically treat the milk (you know, I have a friend in the chemicals business) so that it really isn’t natural any more, and tell people that IT is good for them!And that’s not the worst part—people believe it. It’s like they choose to believe it. (See #11) It’s easier to just keep spending the money on the crap and spending more money on medicine or simpler yet just to be content in our discomfort that instead of making something else for breakfast, like maybe some vegetables and protein, we continue eating overly processed grains shaped into squares with Their fake ass dairy-free milk. What is wrong with us???
  17. Big pharma over natural health remedies.

  18. Supporting the top-earning corporations.

    Ok, so my relationship with money has changed a lot in the last year. May this year be the year that yours does, too.

    People buy so much shit they don’t need (AKA lactose-free milk) and support companies whose values we don’t really believe in, (AKA companies that test on animals, or companies that, I don’t know….hire rapists as their CEOs, wherever you draw the line…) and then sit around and complain about what our world has come to.WE the PEOPLE allow, and at times encourage, this terrible stuff to happen. We MUST make smarter choices with how we spend our money when we must spend it. We must vote with our money, and make smart choices as consumers. More than anything, Money speaks, and though we all have different amounts of it, and therefore some have more power than others, we do all take a stance each and every time we spend money on something.When we go to Target or Walmart when we need a new spatula instead of to the 2nd hand store, we are telling the producers that want them to keep making new plastic products.When we throw away Tupperware every 6 months because we microwave too much in it and the plastic gets all nasty…we are telling the producers that want them to keep making new plastic products. We are telling Mother Nature that we don’t care about polluting her. Abusing her.

    When we make a decision for our company to allow animal testing because we want the additional profits by selling in China, or when we know that a company does that and we still buy their products because “it’s our favorite,” we are taking a stance, voting, condoning, encouraging these bad behaviors that are ruining our planet.

    Mother Nature is a Source of Life, not a resource. People are one of her gifts. Please, in 2019 let us all work on banishing the ills of society that we had to witness through 2018.


I could carry on and on about each of these things, but…I feel like I’m beating a dead elephant in the room, so I will just leave you with this:

WE the PEOPLE must do better. And here’s the good news….we CAN do better!

If you’d like to talk more about any of these “to be banished” items, or want to add your own to the list, just comment below!

Happy Winter Solstice!

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Today is the first day of Winter in the U.S., and here in Colorado, on my parents’ farm, I just laid outside in the grass in a sleeveless shirt. As much as I long for a snow-induced hibernation, I revel in the sunshine and walk barefoot in the crunchy grass.  Today, I begin my journey inward, seeking the medicine of Mother Earth to settle down for Winter, ground myself, hibernate and gather strength to spring into action in a few short months. As the days begin to grow longer once again, I have finally arrived to a space where I get to slow down and manifest the next step.

I am so grateful for beautiful sunny Fall days like this, which remind me that there is comfort and beauty even at the end of a Fall. Even when we face plant from life, or Crow pose, the beautiful earth is there to catch us, to hold us as we heal.

2018 has been a year of re-evaluating priorities, giving my Self credence, making space for and ever wrestling with my opinions and feelings, downsizing my possessions and dreaming of all of my many options ahead. Many unexpected turns, wonderful experiences, tough decisions, and turbulent moments arose as I negotiated my way back into the United States, back into friendships, back into family.

Coming back home stirred up many things which I thought were snug in my past, and the truth is, I had taken a lot of time off of my family for so much of my life, way before my move overseas. So while I was feeling so very good about ME after my two years in Brazil, it became obvious pretty quickly that some other people needed my attention.

Although I had “dealt with” many things from my childhood and early adulthood in therapy and yoga and self help workshops and readings, etc., I also maintained a safe distance from all the things during those times. Little did I know that I could not advance to the next level until I confronted all the things head on.

The voice called me home, and when I arrived and all the things were stirred, I wanted badly to revert to my old coping mechanism and flee–I even applied to jobs and started arranging a place to live in another city. But through serious self-reflection and questioning some may call prayer, and by talking about it in a couple of safe places, I came to the understanding and acceptance of sticking these challenges out.

One physical manifestation that I find fascinating, is that I carry my weight on my tippy toes, that I rarely fully plant my feet. Even as I typed that I brought my awareness to my feet, toes on the earth, but not my heels. I didn’t notice this about myself until I started the amazing yoga instructor training, Breathe for Change, but it is so telling of my attitude towards life: Always be ready to run. My flexibility in my feet and ankles has been compromised by my not planting my feet. My life has always been lived at such a fast pace. Even since returning home, I have spent at more 2 nights a week on the farm, living mostly out of my car and always on the go from town to town.

It is no wonder that the need to Ground myself has caught up with me, and thankfully not in the form of being bedridden, as happened to me once in Brazil, where I was ordered by the doctor to stay home from work and off my feet for two weeks while an injury to my Achilles tendon healed.  Like a snow globe, I need to let a lot of things settle and integrate to find clarity and stability before I know in which direction I will next walk.

Some of you may be wondering about “The Mission,” the work to train Native women in self-defense; it is still in the works, simply slowed down. My exact role in it is no more clear than it was one year ago when I decided to help, but what is more clear is the need to be patient.

The good stuff is getting closer, and I have faith that by the time winter is over, that I will be fully back on my feet and ready for the next race, and I am also confident that when my next race begins, I will be stronger and more stable in body and mind, with the foundation and endurance to make it through the long haul, for now I know how important it is to slow down along the way and care for my Self when She needs it.

I invite you all to give your Self permission to do the same thing, to do some grounding work and nourish your inner goddess, whatever that looks like for you.

 

Power to the People

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Tonight I will express my greatest right as an American by filling out a ballot with my name on it, my opinions. I will exercise my privilege tomorrow when I turn it in and have it counted without question at my nearest polling location.

I believe this right belongs unequivocally to ALL citizens of the United States. I know that if I exercise my privilege responsibly, that someday, this right will belong to ALL.

Tonight, on Election Eve, I put on some music and started dancing and unpacking from being away from home for the last 18 days, thinking about crawling under a blanket and getting cozy with my thoughts and my ballot, a coveted way I exercise my privilege and freedom.

As I danced around my studio apartment, I felt immense gratitude for my freedom, and my rights. Freedom and rights (systems of the very same government with which I am about to engage) which are being violently and discreetly withheld from others. I recognize my paradox: I must participate in the system to break the system.

Sometimes, when I think about my freedom, I ugly cry. I feel it so deeply and joyously that my face distorts and light beams from every orifice, and I feel so beautiful. I will always exercise my Freedom by voting.

I am so grateful for my freedom and my rights that it makes me dance in joy and laughter.

But I am not satisfied. In so many ways I am such a disappointed woman.

I will never be satisfied until ALL people have the same privileges as I do, the same as every white man and woman in the U.S. Until EVERY person gets to vote. Until every person can freely and safely stand, sit, or kneel wherever they damn well please, and fill out their ballot regardless of their past or address.

I know I am not alone in my anger, disappointment, disgust, and fear about the state of things in the U.S. and around the world. But I also see every single day that I am out there doing this work, that NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE ANGRY. (And just because I am angry doesn’t mean I am going to be violent. I’m not a loser white man.)

I’m sitting here at my table looking at a copy of the speech “A Disappointed Woman” delivered by Lucy Stone at the National Woman’s Rights Convention from 1855.

As grateful I am for early feminists, I also know that the white women fighting for suffrage did not, most of them, have black women in mind. Or at least, if black women were in the white women’s minds, the ideas didn’t cross their lips. But I am not so quiet.

“It shall be the business of my life to deepen this disappointment in every woman’s heart until she bows down to it no longer.” (Stone)

I accept this as my work, also, Stone. I will not bow down. I will always stand up and fight for my fellow People.

I am beyond disappointed in the White Man laws made with “no basis except in the usages and prejudices of the age” (Stone). Beyond disappointed in the remnants of these laws that are still being used today to hinder….restrain….obstruct…..deny……punish…..build walls up around…..rape….destroy….systematically and slowly erode the foundation of…. an entire culture–nope, not just one culture. Cultures—plural! White men-serving laws made by white men cowardly in power and meant to punish black men and strip them of their rights…..THESE LAWS are still being used to OBSTRUCT THE ADVANCEMENT OF ANYONE WHO IS NOT A CIS-WHITE MAN, most especially black people, indigenous people, brown people, and people of color in general. THESE LAWS which have systematically destroyed entire cultures (and the whole time shouting “Freedom” and “Justice for All” )…..THESE LAWS which created and enabled so many fucked up systems are deeply ingrained in our cultural identity and show up in so many terrible, dangerous, and….simply frightening ways.

I can’t do any more tonight except to ask you once more before tomorrow’s election, to look into your heart, and then look out to your neighbors, and do what is required of you to make Democracy work: Vote FOR THE PEOPLE. Vote for the People whose voices are not yet equally and fairly represented in our government seats and in our government’s offices. We do have the power to give the power back to the PEOPLE.

Vote before 7 pm on November, 6th.

I leave you with these parting words:

“The ballot is stronger than the bullet.” (Abe Lincoln)

Why do you think white men have allowed black people to have so many guns, but still keep them from voting?

Vote for everyone who still can’t. Vote for every child who lives in fear every day right here in the United States.

 

This piece is dedicated to the strong young woman who once delivered an essay to me over the phone, who just witnessed my first Live video. To Monica. Power to the People!

Wake up and Vote Yes on Colorado Amendment 73!

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“Just give up already.” “I’m not interested in any of this.” “I don’t have time for this.” “You just woke me up from a really good nap.” These are some of the comments I heard during my volunteer shifts calling voters, asking them to vote Yes on Amendment 73, an education funding solution which Colorado students and teachers desperately need.

Colorado schools are struggling in a bad way. For being in one of the most progressive, healthy, thriving, prosperous states in the country, our schools’ resources and teachers’ wages are sorely stuck in the past. We are losing good teachers. I personally left the country to teach for two years so I could make a little money as a teacher, and now I’m back calling on you and your support to save Colorado’s education system. There’s a lot more we need to save after this, so let me make this quick.

I could tell you story after story about colleagues and friends, bachelor-degree-or-higher-holding, full-time/salaried professionals who’ve had to work two part-time jobs on top of their career to make enough money, but you’ve already heard those stories. I could tell you that

But you don’t need me to tell you all of that.

“Just give up already.” “I’m not interested in any of this.” “I don’t have time for this.” “You just woke me up from a really good nap.” are the resounding sentiments two days before Election Day when Coloradans have the opportunity to pass a bill which will change the structure of funding in Colorado in a critical way.

Critics say it’s not a perfect solution, and I agree.

It’s kind of like this:  ⅕ of the kids in the state have warm winter coats, and the other ⅘ do not, but winter is coming, and a bunch of kids are going to freeze if we do nothing. Amendment 73 is like saying, either everyone gets a new winter coat, or no one does!

Is that really fair?

No.

The kids who already have coats don’t need another coat.

But the only way ANYONE gets a coat is if everyone gets a coat.

And we’re going to take a little more from the adults who have the warmest coats because our students and teachers are all freezing to death out here, and no one’s been able to come up with a better solution for it. But we need to pass this, because a lot of people need the damn coats.

So, I’m sorry you were napping, but saving our future is something I’d get up from a nap for any day of the year.

 

To Be Engaged

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On this final day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I reach out with an open heart to all of the women and men in abusive relationships. Sometimes this conversation neglects to acknowledge the men who are also victims of narcissistic and abusive behaviors from their partners. I want you to know that I see you. I stand by you, also.

“Every love story is a tragedy if you wait long enough.”
(The Handmaid’s Tale series)
No relationship should begin as one.

First of all, let me start by saying that you don’t need to be in an abusive relationship to want to leave, or have “permission” to leave a relationship. I also believe that the end of a relationship, although it can be painful and difficult to one or more parties, is never a bad thing. Like sex, if just one person doesn’t want to be involved, ever or anymore, even if one party is happy and interested, it’s best for it to stop. If there is ANY reason to end a relationship, it’s usually a good reason.

For nine years I talked myself into staying in a relationship, which by all accounts, wasn’t healthy. I didn’t have a lot of confidence when I met him at 19 years old, which coincided with a college assignment where I delved into analyzing the language of users of new-then dating websites. I had to create an account to access other profiles, and Eharmony told me I was unmatchable. I ended up marrying the next boyfriend I had. Online dating still makes me cringe.

Despite all of the warning signs in that relationship (which started pretty early on) — the arguing, the manipulation, the insults and disrespect he dished out in the form of eye-rolls, I largely ignored how he made me feel. I ignored it just like I ignored the actions and words of my younger brother, who suffered from the same personality disorder as the man who is now my ex-husband.

The dishonesty with myself made me increasingly vulnerable to his continued attacks on my self-esteem. I literally used to tell myself that other things in my life were good enough, so what if he wasn’t that nice to me behind closed doors or didn’t like my family? Maybe true love wasn’t really in the cards for me. At least he could cook well and we wouldn’t be poor. I know, desperate and sad.

“You accept the love you think you deserve.”

Granted, every relationship (strong or struggling) looks different, and abuse takes many forms, so I won’t get too personal here by revealing every detail of my 9-year long relationship. I also want to acknowledge that I, my Self, played a big part in letting the abuse (verbal and sexual) continue for so long. By staying with him despite all of our problems, I mislead my partner into believing that I was ready for the big step into marriage, and I was too scared and too weak to end the relationship by the time we were planning the wedding.

I dreaded many aspects of our future together, worried about all the future arguments we’d have, worried about losing my friends and family, worried that I wouldn’t be able to be a mom because I didn’t see him fit to be a dad.

The constant internalized worrying made me ill. I couldn’t eat anything without getting sick, so I was weak and scrawny as I glided like a ghost in my white dress down the aisle.

I saw myself in the magazines that mentioned in colorful blurbs that 1 in 5 women knew before the wedding that the marriage was doomed, but something inside me said it would be OK, that it was the best I could do. That eventually I wouldn’t feel that way about him anymore.

But I believe there’s something I could have done differently during the engagement that might have helped me step away before I stepped down the aisle. I know for sure that divorcing him after four years of marriage was no less hurtful than if I would have called off the wedding, so I want to talk to you, anyone who might be in this stage of their life, about the word engagement.

After the proposal, before planning a wedding, we both should have engaged in months of thoughtful marriage planning.

Being engaged is a time to figure out if marriage is really the best thing for you and the other person. We need to stop the taboo of ending an engagement. It is the time you should be discussing everything about your relationship and futures, if you haven’t already.

Calling off a wedding can feel like an unconquerable mountain once you’ve accepted or presented a ring. But in planning any event, new discoveries sometimes prevent the event from taking place. For until an exchange of vows occurs, there is nothing holding you into that relationship. No matter how much time you’ve spent with (or working on them as we sometimes see it) that person, no matter what experiences you’ve been through together, you do not owe that person anything except a respectful, honest goodbye.

In our society, it seems that the weight of an engagement ring comes with the same degree of commitment as the actual marriage certificate. Despite all of the people I know who are divorced, I only know one person who ever called off an engagement, that I know of. I likewise know a large number of people who are unhappily married, the normalcy of which might be why I accepted years of verbal abuse and a dysfunctional sex life. I am NOT advocating for divorce; I am advocating for you to have a happy life by taking your engagement very seriously.

Unlike a recent advertisement I saw for Match.com, I do think a great person is worth the wait.

To be engaged should be viewed not as the ultimate commitment to the other person, but as a time to engage in a thoughtful process about if they are really the one with whom you want to make that commitment. Engage in serious and tough conversations with the person (even if you already had them when you were dating). When people use this time to plan their wedding but not their marriage, they are doing serious jeopardy to their relationship.

Engage in activities that help you identify exactly how that person confronts challenge, how they treat people in stressful situations, how they manage their money. Engage in a deep look into who the other person truly is. If warning signs (trust yourself) come up during the engagement, put off the wedding. Honestly, don’t even think about planning a wedding celebration until you’ve been engaged in meaningful work about planning a marriage.

Observe everything. About yourself, and about your partner. And about how they act around your family. And how they act around their family. And how you act when they do something that disappoints you.

If a person can refrain from changing or parenting his or her partner, they have a greater opportunity for putting themself in a position of respect. If one of you is always doing everything for your partner, you risk being walked over. And if one of you is above the other, that does not make for a stable foundation for a marriage.

Be very mindful about how you speak to each other. How you greet each other. How you feel when you’re apart, when you’re together, the moment right before you’re together, the moments after. Listen to your body. 

Engage in conversations with the people who care most about you. Engage with your family and friends and ask them to be completely honest with you about how they see your relationship. You are the ultimate decision maker in your life, and if you have people you confide in for anything important in your life, you should most definitely talk to them about this.

If you find yourself avoiding those people or those conversations, I beg you to think about why you are doing that. If the people whom you most respect don’t see the good you see in your partner, if you find yourself making excuses for them, being embarrassed by them, avoiding your favorite people or activities when you are with them, there is probably a good reason for that. Definitely worth engaging in those feeling fully and contemplating the reason.

Speaking of reason, humans are capable of talking ourselves into anything. Our minds are extremely powerful; we can justify anything to ourselves if we think it’s what we want or deserve.

Don’t let marriage be something you have to talk your Self into.

Engage deeply with your fears and doubts.  Take time alone to think (maybe write) about the life you want, your values, your dreams. Engage with your Self on a very deep level. Be completely honest with yourself. It’s OK if you discover along this journey that you don’t want to marry this person. And better yet if you discover through all of that work that you truly do. That you do truly respect and value their presence in your life. That you find they really do help you shine your inner light even more brightly than you do on your own. I’m just asking you not to take that for granted.

Divorce sucks. It’s hard and it’s expensive. Even if you’ve invested years with this person, have been through major life events with them, own pets with them, own property or a business with them, or if you’ve already put down deposits on a location and purchased your dress and sent out invitations….none of that matters more than your long term happiness. Ending the relationship before the wedding takes place is worth the saved pain.

Marriage is a union, and it’s perfectly ok to be selfish before you enter into that commitment.

And you don’t have to be a victim of domestic violence to justify ending a relationship either. A marriage, maybe, but a relationship–no matter how long you’ve been together,–can be left whenever a person, just one person in that relationship, no longer wants to be in it. No contract. No obligation.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, even if you are unable to put your finger on exactly what is wrong, you have a good reason to leave it. (Do you ever hear yourself saying, It’s not that bad, or At least she doesn’t…?) Give yourself permission to step out of that doubtful place and invest in your Self.

A dear friend lovingly told me once that if I felt any doubt about my fiancé, that I should reconsider marrying him. I talked myself into the challenge of staying instead of into the challenge of leaving. If you have doubt about the relationship you are in–maybe more than concern about your differences in taste of home decor or travel destinations–you will be doing yourself and your partner a favor to trust yourself and end the relationship. They deserve someone who has no doubt about them. And so do you.

If two people want to be together, no marriage is going to change that. If a person is pressuring you to get married, there’s a good chance they might be hiding something, and it will come out once they have “secured” you into a permanent arrangement. Or maybe they have some self-improvement to work on before they are ready for marriage. Or maybe they don’t respect you. If you are getting any pressure from your partner, take a good hard look at where it might be coming from. 

A wedding is not a way to improve a relationship.

Strong, respectful relationships do not need weddings for them to last  or for them to be strong or respectful. If you feel like your does, then maybe you shouldn’t get married right now. What would it look like if you just kept dating? What would it look like if you took a break? Marriage is not about being in shackles, for either party; it is about forming a partner-ship with someone whom you love, respect, and admire. That foundation does not come from spending the most crucial moments of your relationship together planning a (wedding) party, but can come from planning a life together.

Looking back, I know there were so many signs all along that I ignored. While his friends and family expressed gratitude and excitement to me about our relationship, told me I brought out the best in him, etc., the same feeling wasn’t coming from my friends and family. That should have been my first clue. Our loved ones really do want the best for us, some of us just aren’t that good at communicating it (or hearing it).

I have so much more to say about this (like 4 more pages…)but I’ve tried to put my most heartfelt and pertinent advice out there tonight, just in case anyone needs to hear it.

You deserve so much happiness. You are the only one who can make it happen. You are worth it. 

If you think you are in an abusive relationship, or even just an unhappy one, reach out. If you aren’t ready to tell your family and friends yet, maybe you just start here: https://www.thehotline.org/ or read more about signs of abuse here: http://www.crossroadssafehouse.org/

 

P.S. If you want to know more about the “warning signs” from my relationship, don’t be shy. I am an open book. But I also know that no one wants to read a whole book about this, even though I’m pretty sure I have enough words on the topic to fill one!

Be Not Quiet

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More than one of my family members–the people who raised me, encouraged me to spread my wings, watched me bloom into this magnificent woman that I am–would like for me to just be quiet. They have unfollowed me, disengaged from me, are disappointed in me, afraid of me. 

I will not be quiet about my disgust about what is happening in my country right now. I will never be quiet about the ideals I wish my country to uphold. I will never be quiet about demanding respect for the disenfranchised and marginalized.

I will not be quiet. Even if you aren’t reading this anymore.

I will not be quiet.

Bystanders are quiet. Quiet is how genocides happen. Polite is how holocausts happen. Nice is how evil gets in. We fight evil with love, not with nice. For anyone who has been a parent, you know that love does not always mean nice. Tough love. It’s not only hard on the recipient.

You should be ashamed of yourself if you aren’t speaking out about the horrors happening here in our country. Students resuming classes the same day a fellow student is killed. Jews being shot and killed in their place of worship. Black people continuing to be murdered for being black. Fuck this shit.

You should be outraged about the things our people are doing to others. We destroy each other in so many ways over and over again. We have to stop. We must be better ancestors.

I don’t care if I make you uncomfortable or if you stop following me, or whatever. I will search for every single way to say this until people start to listen. I will not be ashamed for my actions. I do not feel shame to tell every single bit of my truth. I have made the offer before, and I will do it again. Ask me anything. I am an open book. We have to be open to telling the truth to each other. I believe that is our only way forward. I know I am nobody from nowhere, that people don’t know my name yet. Why should you care about my truth? I admit that I am fallible, and making mistakes is normal, but that we must always do our best, for that is when goodness is returned to us.

When I say goodness I do not mean politeness. I do not mean niceness.

I mean honesty, kindness. Fucking dignity. Polite is bullshit. Polite is what got so many of us to think Obama’s being President meant we weren’t racist anymore. Polite is what drove those KKK motherfuckers, those fucking neo-nazis underground so the rest of us could not HATE on them. Instead, they have been infiltrating our system from within. They have had the time and space to redesign their brand to make it more palatable. 

Being nice can suck my balls.

If you’re reading this, you have one week to get your ballot in. We must put an end to this nonsense.

Vote for black women in this coming election. Vote for women of color, Indigenous women, Mexican-American women, trans-women.  

Follow black women. Support businesses owned by black women. Invest in them, personally. You say you are too busy and don’t have time to get involved, but would just ”write a check”  if you could. Here’s a link. Did you donate? 

Here’s another. 

I know I’m being bold right now, and if you’re reading this, maybe you are nodding in agreement, or maybe you don’t like my tone, but fuck that shit. We women have been too polite, and it costs us too much; We need to speak up and say every. single. Thing. We need to do a better job of educating everyone about their options and make participating in this so-called democracy easy. We are at the place in history when it is time to get America right. WE, The PEOPLE are stronger than The government. The government is broken. I think most of us can agree that neither “SIDE” has it right.

The system is broken.

Don’t be part of it by subscribing to “your party” without thinking about what they really represent, who represents/sponsors them. Choose people who will support democracy, will support your values.

The most fundamental part about being American is WE THE PEOPLE.

THAT’S why we have the 2nd amendment, so we can defend ourselves against our government. Not against our neighbors. 

Let’s make sure to raise up the people who are going to be best for each state government and come together to make real changes happen. There are so many ways to support leaders, and now, when we can activate and engage and elect the best leaders for the future of our nation. The future we want our children to be brought up in (not the one our parents were brought up in.)

People want us all to  be polite and PC instead of being honest and kind. Fuck that shit.  You know what honest and kind leads to? True compromise. Uncorrupted compromise. If we were all honest and kind, (instead of hiding behind being nice and polite) we could actually promote and achieve equity in our society,…….instead we are encouraged by our leaders (in both parties) to to be mean and cruel and evil and unhealthy. They want us to fight with each other. They want us to feel desperate so they can control us with their money and their hidden agenda. WAKE UP, PEOPLE!!!!! Take our country back from career politicians, white nationalists, from old men.

I believe so much in a better world. I can see it. I daydream about it. I write about it. Yet, when I check in with my body, I realize my shoulders are up next to my ears in stress or my breath is caught in my throat with worry. When I look at the world around me, the society around me, I know that we are a far way from that world of my dreams…when I think about our history, I see that we have changed, but I am not convinced we are better, so maybe it’s just that we are still changing. Still evolving.

It’s like the United States is a person in their late teens/early 20s, someone just beginning therapy, trying to break their bad habits/survival techniques while simultaneously finding new ways to self-sabotage and occasionally relapsing back into some truly terrible behaviors like being a racist, and realizing that they were abused by their uncle (Sam) and might have sort of pushed someone too far by not taking no for an answer soon enough. (Kavanaugh, cough, cough)

I’m a pretty fucking positive person, but I also have some dark/morbid fears about our world. I’m a realist, and my door is cracked open to conspiracies; People are fuuuuuuucked up. I’ve been through some shit, but I don’t let it get me down. I carry on with my head held high. Some say high-horse high, but all the better for them to kiss my ass. I’m tired of being polite. Let’s be real.

I am positive it’s the only way we are going to get over this shit. I could carry on about my ideas to save the world all day, but I’m out there trying to do it instead. Sometimes it doesn’t look how we expect it to, but one thing I’ve learned is to let go of expectations and follow the path. I know my path has been far less difficult than many because I was born a white woman in the U.S. I know most people can’t take time off work to explore their path and recharge after just 8 years of teaching. I worked very hard throughout school and won many generous college scholarships. Because of these awards, as well as need-based assistance, I was able to graduate college with far less debt than most people of my generation. I have no children and no pets (though I really want both!). I don’t own a car, so no car insurance, nor any property, and I live in a small apartment that’s attached to my father’s workshop/garage (he’s a farmer), so my expenses are quite minimal.

After Trump was elected, I fell into a depression. I didn’t think it was really going to happen. I really thought Hillary Clinton would beat him. A fear nestled and an anger hatched inside me that morning. I had moved to Brazil just 4 months before the election, before President Trump happened, and after I got through the sadness and the denial, I got angry, and I wanted to move back to the U.S. to take action. I couldn’t though, because I was there on a two-year contract which I would not break. I made the most of my time there, but I felt very far removed, far away from a great many problems which I wanted to….want to… be a part of solving.

I wanted to be there marching on Jan. 21, 2017. I wanted to attend the Black Lives Matter meetings, the NoDAPL protest, all of it.  I wanted everyone to understand how terrible I felt about a country which could elect just a bad man. I don’t care if you don’t like Obama, but you cannot honestly say that he was bad unless you are brainwashed.

He had to be extra good in order to win that seat because no black person could get anywhere in this country with a record like Trump’s.  

There was this illusion that the U.S. wasn’t racist anymore. Hooray. And then we turned around and gave the seat back to a bad white man, whose past we would have never forgiven on the transcript of a black man. Black men have been murdered for doing far less disrespectful things to white women than Trump has done to his own daughters and wives.

If you do not support Kaepernick’s stance, you are a coward who would have also probably supported slavery. Punishing a black man for a peaceful protest and calling it protesting disrespect of the flag/soldiers when white people break the flag laws all the time, is downright racist.

Punishing black people or any people of color more harshly for anything a white man does is racism.

Insisting Kavanaugh was just a kid at 17 and shouldn’t be held accountable for his actions but consistently charging black youth as adults for a variety of broken laws, is fucking racism.

I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired of the polite people who have paved the way for the world we live in now. Wake the fuck up. Get engaged. Vote those racist assholes out of office. Take back the House. Speak out to and against the racist and bigoted people in your life. We must stop them.

Be not quiet.

#vote #votethemout #fuckingvote #fucktrump #fuckwhitesupremacy #votefuckers #notyourmamaselection #trump #blacklivesmatter #supportwomen #democracy

Rock (Beets) Paper: Support Colorado Farmers

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National Farmer Appreciation Day, 2018. My dad was in his final day of beet harvest and I was happy to have a day off on a beautiful blue skied day and get to spend it on the farm with him.

It had been many years since I’d squeezed into the cabin beside my dad, and it wasn’t just my larger size that made the fit feel a bit tighter now. Since moving away for college at 18, I became quite disconnected from my family’s farm, and a lot has changed since then. We have all been through a lot and we have all changed. And now that I am living on my parents’ farm again, I feel I’ve been extended a wonderful opportunity to learn more about their lives–farmers in general, and my parents, in particular.

The first thing I learned was the toll farming takes on the body. I was shocked by the aches in my body from sitting in a small, loud, vibrating cabin on a bouncing seat, turned a quarter-way around to look out the back window and make sure the digger’s blades are lined up appropriately over each row of beets. It made me feel grateful to be in a time in my life where I get to primarily look forward. And it made me eternally grateful for the hard work farmers put into our food.

The sun beams got me thinking about other weather, and about all of the hail we had in the summer. So much depends on the weather. Every day they are out there, preparing the field, planting the field, watering the field, (before roundup ready seeds) weeding the field, and every day they don’t know exactly how all that hard work is going to pay off. But they do it anyways. They care for the land. They grow food for other living things. This thought made me feel humble, insignificant in the great scheme. Mother Nature is so much greater than we humans, try as we might. I mean, so much goes into just one crop.

From speaking to my father, I estimate that over 400 hours of manual labor went into the 100 acres’ crop: disking the field, planting the seeds, managing the sprinkler irrigation, maintaining the equipment, then defoliating and digging and hauling the large brown beets to the factory over 4 days between 7 men.

Anyway, I was getting lost in thought, mesmerized by the perfectly straight rows being swallowed by the machine, when suddenly a long-forgotten memory from college popped into my mind.

Back in college, a classmate made fun of me one Fall when I excitedly announced that I was going to be able to get a new (used) car because my dad had a really good beet crop that year.

He made fun of me for something that was simply natural to me—that how much or when we bought things was determined by each year’s crop, each season’s weather, the market prices of corn, hay, sugar beets, etc. I didn’t understand his ridicule; I simply knew that some years we got to enjoy some extras, and some years, we simply got by.

So, as I recalled this experience from years ago, zoning out as we careened the bumpy rows I started thinking about society. And how we value a piece of paper with a face printed on it more than we value an actual hard working man (or his daughter) right in front of us, right there in the flesh. One real human will laugh in another real human’s face because her life was shaped differently by a piece of paper than theirs was.

I always knew me family wasn’t rich, but I never knew until that day Freshmen year that some people saw my world as something to be ashamed of.

Despite my father’s uncertain income as a farmer, he and my mother, who worked outside the home, made sure we five children had a home filled with books, homemade meals, clean clothes, etc. Even though we didn’t have everything, I never felt poor. My parents did everything they could to take the best care of me and my brothers and sisters.

I knew there were people in the world with a lot more money than we had, but I also knew that my dad grew the food we ate, made the best damn biscuits and gravy in the world, gave to the community generously, and I knew then as I do now, there was nothing in that lifestyle to be ashamed of.

But that day when Tony mocked me that my dad’s good beet harvest was the reason we could buy me a used car, my views and beliefs about hard work and good people was thrown on a different course than the one on which they’d previously been cruising.

A seed was planted in my stream of consciousness then, that hard work was not regarded with the respect it deserved. I continue to witness that We, the People of the United States, have an unhealthy relationship with work, and a very messed up definition of success, and what deserves respect.

I believe We have such a bad relationship with work and it causes a bad relationship with the rest of the world. On a recent NPA broadcast, I head Gary Cohn talk about a widely proclaimed sentiment that “There are American jobs that Americans just won’t do” and the controversial and rarely discussed perspective that if that is true, we need to keep the borders open. I know this seems like a stretch from my story about life on a farm, but it’s all related. We as a people do not respect hard work, but we respect money, which throws our balance off, a lot. Americans suffer from many negative consequences of not having balanced lives: poor health, long hours sitting in cars and at desks, chronic pain and depression, to name a few.

I recently quit my full-time career and 60+hour work week lifestyle so that I can pursue service work and serve the good of the people. Ideally, I would like to work much more in exchange of goods and services than for paper money. I think paper money has had some seriously bad, unintended consequences.  

And I know that when I do something kind for someone else, it makes me feel a heck of a lot better than when I make money.  And I know that I feel a whole lot better when someone does something nice for me than I feel when someone gives me money (but this isn’t about my love language-ha!).

I don’t want to shame anyone, that’s not why I’m writing this. I’m writing this because I cannot save the world alone. I know I am not alone, that there are many other amazing Earth Protectors, People protectors, human rights leaders, but We also need You. I do not want to shame you, I want to inspire you, but if guilt is what you feel when you think about these things, I ask you to sit with your feelings. Try to understand why you feel it so that you can better address it by making changes to your life and your actions: “If something offends you…look inward….that’s a sign that there’s something there.” (Whitney Cummings in Tools of Titans)

I write this because it is easier to do better than you might think. Doing better than yesterday isn’t about radical transformation. Those of you who know me personally have seen how many years it has taken me to get here, and I am just beginning my journey.

Even in the last couple of months, I have set big goals for myself, such as promising to only eat organic, local, and unpackaged food from that day forward. I didn’t mean to break a promise–when I declared that, it was truly how I felt at the time (not fake news, though) and then later when I tried to live that, I realized it wasn’t going to work out at this time (and not #metoo, either, because my organic, local, unpackaged Diet was understanding that I had verbally consented to something I wasn’t actually ready for, and It kindly extended an ongoing open invitation for whenever I am ready to jump into bed with It.) The truth is, none of us are perfect, and so I write this to remind myself of that, to remind you of that, and to extend a friendly hand to say, Come along with me. I’m on this journey, also. I am trying my best, also, and I would be happy to be on this journey together to support each other.

So, as you complete your ballots this Fall, here is something I ask you to keep in mind

The Farm Bill, if passed by Congress, will change the legal definition of hemp; Yes on Colorado’s X (think Yes…..seX….) will help Colorado and Colorado farmers, and is, I believe, one of the best things we can do for our economy and our planet. It’s pretty absurd that hemp is not already legal and in wide-production in the U.S. In fact, I think X is so positive, that even if 112, requiring stricter regulations on oil extraction sites, passes, we might be able to make up for economic downturn by embracing the hemp industry, as we are already leading the country in hemp production. So many products can be made from hemp, the non-psychoactive form of marijuana, that Coloradans could not only lead the industry in production of the plant itself, but also in manufacturing it into its various forms (rope, clothing, even fuel).

And please, next time you hear a story about a farmer, or come face to face with one, express your gratitude, not your condescension.

To my Hive of Strong Women Everywhere

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This post is dedicated to all domestic violence survivors: Abuse doesn’t have to leave a bruise. Also, you are stronger than you know.

https://www.thehotline.org/

Domestic Violence Hotline #
1-800-799-7233

Dear sisters, friends, friends’ sisters, sister’s friends. Dear mothers, lovers, teachers, dreamers, leaders: 

Today, I call out to you for your collective strength. You are all my hive, without whom I could not be where I am today.

I would give away all of my money, all of my possessions, everything, if it would guarantee that all people after me, every single woman and man, would have an equal say. I would honestly give my life for that. Millions of people already have given their lives, yet without resulting in the ideal We promise: Liberty and justice for all….Land of the free. Still, we do not honor our word; Consider this my first public taking of the knee.

There are people around the U.S. right now being denied from voting. Democracy is dying. We are not doing this properly. Come on, US! In some countries, everyone must vote; in Brazil if a person doesn’t vote, (they may abstain only by appearing on election day and reporting it on their ballot) they endure a small fine and are ineligible for government employment.

Yet here, in a country founded by THE PEOPLE for THE PEOPLE, voter suppression is a very real and systemic problem. I would give my life if it meant putting a stop to that problem once and for all. For Native Americans, for Black people and People of Color, for elderly people, for criminals, everyone should have ease of access to the polls.

I know I cannot fix this problem alone, and nor can it be fixed before this upcoming election. Nothing is immediate. This is why I’m reaching out. I can’t fix this, nor any of the other problems, alone. But I can activate, empower, and encourage other women to raise themselves up out of the shadows so that together we may reclaim our space, and bring up this nation. (But only if all women do this together. White, Black, Indigenous, all Women of Color, we Women must do it together. White Women: we’ve GOT to do better at supporting non-white women.)

I need you, sisters. I need you all. I will give it everything I have.

Right now, my plate is full with many amazing learning opportunities and giving endeavors. I am investing my time in mastering these learnings so that I may be a better ally, advocate, and ancestor.

If you are able to, please invest in me. Send me a note of encouragement. Invite me over for a meal or tea. Come out on your day off and volunteer with me. Refer me to your friends and neighbors to hire me for English tutoring or babysitting or dog-sitting jobs so I may continue to have some flexible income. Make an online donation to my gofundme page. OR simply send me a good thought. I’m sending you one, right now.

To all the strong women before me, with me, and after me: Thank you. I love you.

#whyIkneel #votersuppression #vote #votethemout #womensupportingwomen

Growing Pains Ahead

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I didn’t know when I set off on this Tour of Hope, self-defense for Native women mission that it had to start with my-self. Here I am one month on the path, and facing some of the biggest challenges of my life. I’m here to tell you that changing your life can be done AND growing pains should be expected!

Despite the anticipated benefits to myself and Mother Earth, it is truly difficult to change so much so fast. Some people might not recommend doing all I have in just one month’s time, but I say, there is no time like the present! In my new routine, I have felt discomfort, doubt, pain and fear: fear of failure, fear of “more different than I’m ready for,” and fear of the judgment that can come from others.

Nevertheless, I am moving ahead with my personal transformation, and I invite you all to be a part of the conversation–just comment below with any tips, questions, or any dang thing that pops into your head! I’d love to talk to you!

In my last post I announced that I would only eat: local, organic, and unpackaged foods, with the exception of eating food that would otherwise go to waste. Well, the parents went on vacation and left a fridge full of leftovers, so I mostly lived on that for the week, and you all know my weakness for fine cuisine, so when I went out with friends one night I couldn’t help but order some tasty things (which didn’t strictly meet those 3 criterion, but they made me happy). I will continue to try my best, and I will certainly continue to make “mistakes.” The point is not to be perfect, just to be better.

Once it was time to restock, seeing that Z and I are both living on a tight budget, we checked out the local dumpster scene! 

One morning, we gathered 17 pounds of free food: apples, melons, peppers, and organic whey protein (had “expired” a few days before–still totally fine to eat), about 20 individually packaged.

This all came from two dumpsters in the neighborhood (most dumpsters we met were locked.)

Z returned each morning for the rest of the week and found empty or locked dumpsters until yesterday, when she came home with probably 40 pounds of produce. Melons, bananas, summer squash, onions, broccoli, peaches, grapes, tomatoes (organic!), potatoes, lemons, mangos, pineapples…oh my gosh! It was a real cornucopia!

So that, along with a few local, organic and unpackaged pantry items, will feed us nicely this weekend and into the week. I made applesauce, we’ve had some fine salads, Lin made banana bread, and Z is making soup as I type! Amazing, right!?

I’m not saying everyone should go out and dig in the local dumpsters for free food, but….well, why not!? Ha!

Other than that, I have been doing a decent job of biking, though many of the free fitness classes we’re taking are too far away to bike to yet, so we’ve still been using the car. I have been to three boxing classes, my first Qigong class, and kickboxing and a mixed martial arts class will start on Tuesday. At the first of the month I completed my first 3-day fast, and I’ve been spending a lot of time outdoors, mediating, reading, walking, etc.

We rinse all produce in a baking soda bath and a vinegar bath and give them a good scrub.

These changes have made me super sensitive. I have had some strange physiological symptoms like cramps and headaches, and I am highly emotional right now. I am on a spiritual journey, for sure, and am so happy and grateful that I get to spend this time really taking care of myself right now, in order to be better prepared to take care of others when the time is right.